IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extant do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

It is believed that staying healthy is significant for
people
Use synonyms
 to avoid illness. There is a gradual increase in diseases related to eating a large amount of fast
food
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the government have to encourage
that
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
 by taking many steps to make
people
Use synonyms
 refuse to choose fast
food
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, I agree with avoiding
people
Use synonyms
 from
this
Linking Words
 kind of
food
Use synonyms
 and making them take care of their
health
Use synonyms
. First and foremost, fast
food
Use synonyms
 destroys the immunity in the human body because it doesn't have natural minerals that
keep
Verb problem
help
show examples
 from diseases.
Therefore
Linking Words
, if the government distribute awareness publications related to physical
health
Use synonyms
 , the
people
Use synonyms
 will
leave
Verb problem
give up
show examples
this
Linking Words
 habit and turn to
diet
Correct article usage
a diet
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, when I was in university, instructions were imposed to make students pay attention to their mental and physical
health
Use synonyms
, by opening a
health
Use synonyms
 restaurant and sports centre that all students should register for .
Secondly
Linking Words
, the rise in income has made citizens turn to entertainment , so they spend more money on unhealthy meals .
As a result
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
 , there are more diseases that workers will have , so the government should impose a tax on places that serve unhealthy meals.
For example
Linking Words
, in Southland , taxes are imposed on restaurants that
have served
Wrong verb form
serve
show examples
 fast
food
Use synonyms
 because they find an increasing number of their citizens going to the medical centre. In conclusion, rising awareness in many countries makes
people
Use synonyms
 give up on problems related to
health
Use synonyms
 and having a good diet .
In addition
Linking Words
, if
people
Use synonyms
 get away from fast
food
Use synonyms
 , the problem in
health
Use synonyms
will
Check wording
problems will
show examples
be decreasing
Wrong verb form
decrease
show examples
 in countries.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph clearly supports your main point. Each idea should be connected logically to your opinion.
task achievement
Try to give more detailed examples to support your points. This will help make your arguments stronger.
task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly states your opinion and your conclusion summarizes your main points more clearly.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion on the topic, which is important for task response.
task achievement
You included examples from personal experience, which are helpful in supporting your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • health outcomes
  • healthcare costs
  • consumer behavior
  • socio-economic backgrounds
  • ethical implications
  • public health campaigns
  • subsidies
  • regulations
  • nutritional content
  • healthier food options
  • government intervention
What to do next:
Look at other essays: