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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The charts below show the percentage of boys and girls aged 4-15 taking part in activities and sports in Australia in 2003.

The charts below show the percentage of boys and girls aged 4-15 taking part in activities and sports in Australia in 2003.
The
illuminates
Check wording
report illuminates
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 gives information about the percentage of
boys
Use synonyms
 and
girls
Use synonyms
 aged 4-15 taking part in activities and sports in Australia in 2003.
Overall
Linking Words
,
girls
Use synonyms
 are mainly interested in drama,dancing,
singing
Correct word choice
and singing
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Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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boys
Use synonyms
 prefer to
playing
Wrong verb form
play
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 a
mucical
Correct your spelling
musical
 instrument. The
overall
Linking Words
 proportion of
boys
Use synonyms
 is higher than that of
girls
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
girls
Use synonyms
 have an interest in dancing, with the highest participation rate reaching 25%,
while
Linking Words
boys
Use synonyms
 have less than 5%. At the same time, in terms of drama and singing, the number of
Use synonyms
girls
Check wording
girls'
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 participation is higher than that of
boys
Use synonyms
, with
girls
Use synonyms
 reaching 5% in drama and even less than 5% in
boys
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in singing,
girls
Use synonyms
 reach 8%,
while
Linking Words
boys
Use synonyms
 are
least
Correct article usage
the least
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 interested,
only
Change preposition
at only
show examples
 2%.
However
Linking Words
,
boys
Use synonyms
 have the highest number of people playing a
mucical
Correct your spelling
musical
 instrument, reaching 20%, which is twice as many as
girls
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 only 10% of
girls
Use synonyms
 like it.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, the
overall
Linking Words
 proportion of
girls
Use synonyms
 is about 55%,
while
Linking Words
boys
Use synonyms
 account for 68%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall, while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 75%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words boys, girls with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • charts
  • percentage
  • boys
  • girls
  • aged
  • taking part
  • cultural activities
  • sports
  • Australia
  • 2003
  • participation
  • trends
  • differences
  • compare
  • summarize
  • findings
  • reasons
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