IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Children should not have their own mobile phones or smartphones when they are in elementary school Do you agree or disagree with this statement ? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

The notion of having
phone
Correct article usage
a phone
show examples
 when elementary school is not new, but only recently has it been discussed to a larger extent. It is believed by some that it has a negative impact, and much has been discussed about the validity of
this
Linking Words
 argument. Personally, I tend to agree with
this
Linking Words
 point of view. On the one hand, I understand why some individuals think the aforementioned notion is unjustified to some extent.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in the digital age, allowing
children
Use synonyms
 to use smartphones can improve their technological
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
, which
needed
Verb problem
are needed
show examples
 for school and
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, if your parents have to work at
company
Correct article usage
the company
show examples
 and they are quite busy,
mobile
Correct article usage
a mobile
show examples
 phone
allow
Correct subject-verb agreement
allows
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 to make calls, send messages when they need.
Also
Linking Words
, they can use it to look up information, easily access online lessons,
learn
Correct word choice
and learn
show examples
language
Correct article usage
a language
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, app education as Doulinggo, Study4, and
somethings
Use the right word
some others
show examples
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, using
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 early can
also
Linking Words
 cause consequences for
children
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, as far as I am concerned, there are more convincing reasons to be in
favor
Use the right word
favour
show examples
 of the belief that. First of all, excessive use of digital devices at a young age can hinder the development of
children
Use synonyms
’s cognitive abilities and critical thinking. On top of that, spending too much time on
screen
Correct article usage
the screen
show examples
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to damage
eyesight
Change preposition
to eyesight
show examples
,
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 sleep problems, and
physical
Verb problem
affects physical
show examples
 health.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if they
usee
Use the right word
use
show examples
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
show examples
 class time
it
Punctuation problem
, it
show examples
 can easily distract
children
Use synonyms
 from their academic tasks. In conclusion, I am strongly supportive of the belief that should not give mobile phone
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 who are still
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 elementary school age.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 it
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
show examples
 some benefits, it is not without its negative consequences.

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task achievement
Expand on your main ideas with more explanation and examples. Be more specific about the negative effects of smartphones.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main point. Add linking words to connect your ideas better.
coherence and cohesion
Check your grammar and punctuation. Some sentences have minor errors that can confuse the reader.
task achievement
You clearly stated your position in the introduction, showing your agreement with the view against children having smartphones.
task achievement
You presented both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • distraction
  • focus
  • homework
  • content
  • bullying
  • dependence
  • social
  • activities
  • sports
  • hobbies
  • healthier
  • control
  • technology
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