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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use.

The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use.
The pie charts presented illustrate the
energy
Use synonyms
usage
Use synonyms
 and the amount of
greenhouse
Use synonyms
gases
Use synonyms
 released from these sources in Australian households.
Overall
Linking Words
, the order of
energy
Use synonyms
 consumption in most households, from highest to lowest, is as follows
:
Punctuation problem
:
show examples
 heating, water heating, other appliances, refrigeration, lighting, and cooling. It is evident that the most common uses of
energy
Use synonyms
 are for heating and water heating, comprising 42% and 30% of
usage
Use synonyms
, respectively. These two categories contribute to 15% and 32% of gas emissions, respectively. Notably,
although
Linking Words
 more
energy
Use synonyms
 is consumed for heating, it emits fewer
greenhouse
Use synonyms
gases
Use synonyms
 compared to water heating.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
energy
Use synonyms
usage
Use synonyms
 for cooling is the lowest, accounting for only 2% of total
energy
Use synonyms
 consumption, which corresponds to just 3% of emissions.
Additionally
Linking Words
, lighting and refrigeration release more
greenhouse
Use synonyms
gases
Use synonyms
 than the
energy
Use synonyms
 they consume. Lighting uses 4% of
energy
Use synonyms
 but releases 8% of
greenhouse
Use synonyms
gases
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 refrigeration consumes 7% and emits 14%.
Lastly
Linking Words
, other household appliances account for 15% of
energy
Use synonyms
usage
Use synonyms
 and 28% of emissions.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words energy, usage, greenhouse, gases with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Energy consumption
  • Greenhouse gas emissions
  • Sustainable practices
  • Energy efficiency
  • Renewable energy
  • Fossil fuels
  • Carbon footprint
  • Eco-friendly appliances
  • Insulation
  • Solar panels
  • Recycling
  • Climate change
  • Kilowatt-hour (kWh)
  • Emissions-intensive
  • Energy audit
  • Smart meters
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