IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Recently, there have been a lot of discussions about
health
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 and whether it is going to improve or not. In my opinion, I think that
people
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 will become unhealthier in the
future
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 than they are now. There are many reasons that support the idea of
people
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 becoming unhealthy in the
future
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.
Firstly
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, one reason is that of
food
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.
People
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 tend to eat more fast
food
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 nowadays. They tend to treat themselves with sweets and chocolate whenever they want.
This
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 appears to be because
people
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 are busier now than they used to be. So,
people
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 don’t have a chance to cook or even learn the art of cookery.
Also
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, having a lot of unhealthy
food
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 can lead to obesity
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it could be a serious issue in the
future
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. Another reason is that
technology
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 is developing
everyday
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every day
show examples
. Young
people
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 enjoy buying new gadgets and the latest devices.
This
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 has
Correct article usage
a
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negative impact on their
health
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, especially when they enjoy video games. Spending long hours looking at a screen can lead to bad eyesight and obesity as well. Yet another reason is that laziness is a big issue. Different forms of
exercise
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 might disappear in the
future
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 because
people
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 don’t like sports.
Also
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,
people
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 prefer spending most of their time on the internet
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 the internet is growing every single day. Other
people
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 might disagree and say that
health
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 will improve in the
future
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. They believe that new sports and new ways to
exercise
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 will appear in the
future
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.
However
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, I don’t think it
can
Correct pronoun usage
It can
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 happen since the majority of
people
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 spend less time outdoors.
Moreover
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, other
people
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 believe that
technology
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 will try and help
people
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 improve their
health
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.
For example
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, there have been some games released on the Wii console that
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
people
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exercise
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but
Punctuation problem
, but
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technology
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 is developing more
in
Change preposition
apply
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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negative
Replace the word
negatively
show examples
way
Check wording
apply
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, many phone industries are developing new applications
everyday
Use the right word
every day
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 today’s generation likes to follow every trend.
This
Linking Words
 prevents
people
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to go
Change preposition
from going
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 outside to
exercise
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. They like to spend more time on the internet downloading new programmes or reading
gossips
Fix the agreement mistake
gossip
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 about
celebraties
Correct your spelling
celebrities
.
This
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 affects
people
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’s
health
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 badly. In conclusion, I believe that
people
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’s
health
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 is affected negatively by fast
food
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,
technology
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 and sports
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it will be a problem in the
future
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.

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Task response
Give more proof for each idea. Use one or two facts or numbers about health.
Coherence
Use clear links between ideas. Words like 'first', 'also', 'but', 'so', 'therefore' help.
Structure
Keep to two or three main ideas. Make each idea a full part of the text.
Language accuracy
Check grammar. Use 'a' or 'the' where needed. 'the negative impact' instead of 'a negative impact'.
Language
Use simple, exact words. Break long sentences into two shorter ones.
Content
The writer shows a clear view that health may fall in the future.
Move
The essay tries to use different ideas like food, tech, and laziness.
Coherence
There are some good links to show progress from one idea to next.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Standard of health
  • 2. Average
  • 3. Lower
  • 4. Future
  • 5. Aging population
  • 6. Chronic diseases
  • 7. Sedentary lifestyle
  • 8. Lack of exercise
  • 9. Poor dietary habits
  • 10. Environmental pollution
  • 11. Technological advancements
  • 12. Impact on health
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