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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attending. Summerise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attending. Summerise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
While
Linking Words
 the pie chart illustrates the proportion of the
dance
Use synonyms
 classes’ location in Australia, the graph shows the number of people divided into two age groups who attend different types of
dance
Use synonyms
 nowadays.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can easily
seen
Verb problem
be seen
show examples
 that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the large percentage of students prefer to have classes at private studios.
In addition
Linking Words
, most of
students
Correct article usage
the students
show examples
 are just under
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
eleven years
.
Correct word choice
old.
show examples
 A closer look at graphs reveals that
while
Linking Words
 the college-based studios are least
favored
Use the right word
favoured
show examples
 by individuals( 24%), private studios are the most preferred class type
nearly
Punctuation problem
, nearly
show examples
 50%. The indicators of community halls and school halls are close to each other,
18
Correct your spelling
18%
 and 24%.
According to
Linking Words
 the graph,
while
Linking Words
 ballet is the most chosen group among
under
Correct pronoun usage
those under
show examples
 11 years, modern
dance
Use synonyms
 lessons are the least selected,
600
Change preposition
with 600
show examples
 and 300 people, respectively.
In contrast
Linking Words
, modern
dance
Use synonyms
 classes have larger 11-16 years
participants
Check wording
apply
show examples
, just over
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
500 people. The number of tap
dance
Use synonyms
 attenders from both groups
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 quite the same, approximately 400 pupils

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words dance with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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