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Writing Samples
Band 5

Students should have a part-time job to help pay for their education while attending college. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Some people feel that during
college
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,
students
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 should work in
part-timetime
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part-time
 jobs to cover the education expenses. In my opinion,
college
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students
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 can greatly benefit from holding a
part-timetime
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part-time
job
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 because they can learn to handle their finances and organise their
time
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 efficiently.
This
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 essay will discuss why it is important for
students
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 to hold a part-
time
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job
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 during their
college
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time
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. First of all, the primary reason to have a
job
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 during
college
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 is to earn
the
Correct article usage
apply
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financial freedom and thereby learn how to manage
money
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. I speak from experience because I was lucky enough that my parents paid my tuition.
However
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, I do not want to rely on them to pay my living expenses.
Thus
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, I worked in the evening at a coffee shop and earned enough
money
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 to enjoy activities like going on weekend trips or buying new clothes.
Hence
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, I learned to plan ahead
before
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apply
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to ensure
i
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I
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 have
money
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 for what
i
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I
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 need
instead
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 of just asking for
money
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 like
i
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I
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 did when I was a child. An additional reason from my stance is learning to manage
time
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. Some people argue that jobs during
college
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 might affect
the
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apply
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grades.
In contrast
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, I feel that
students
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 who work and study at the same
time
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 have a great skill
of
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in
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time
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 and
priorities
Fix the agreement mistake
priority
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 management.
However
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, the balance between them is crucial.
For example
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, A study conducted by KSU on a random sample including 200
college
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students
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 stated that about 87.5% of
students
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 who hold a
job
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 have high grades and a high rate of engagement in
college
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 activities compared with the
students
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 who have a
job
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. In conclusion, I strongly believe that having an employment form during
college
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 is very important to earn financial freedom and learn how to manage
money
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 and
time
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.

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task response
State your view clearly in the intro and restate it in the end. Make your main point easy to see.
task response
coherence
language
Fix big grammar and spelling mistakes so the point is clear.
support
If you name a study, say where it comes from and what it shows.
structure
The essay states a clear view that work helps with money and time.
content
Personal example supports the point on money and planning.
content
Two main ideas are used: money management and time management.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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