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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below give information about workplace injuruies in one country in 2018.

The charts below give information about workplace injuruies in one country in 2018.
The bar chart shows the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of injured
people
Use synonyms
 in workplaces in one country in 2018.
Overall
Linking Words
, the elderly
people
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, who were injured in workshops
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
showed
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
higher
results
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 compared to other
age
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 groups.
While
Linking Words
 injuries among
youths
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 were high in mining and construction, and education and health , they showed the lowest
percentage
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 in leisure and hospitality, and manufacturing. In leisure and hospitality, the
figure
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 generally increased to about 10%
as
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the
ages
Check wording
increase
show examples
 in
groups
Check wording
age groups
show examples
. In manufacturing , the highest
figure
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 was among medium
age
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people
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 (35%)
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 the adults who are 25-34 and elderly
people
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 showed the same
results
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 (25%).
In
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 the lowest
figure
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 occurred in
youths
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, with only 15% , who
injured
Verb problem
were injured
show examples
 in manufacturing. Notably, the elderly
people
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 who are over 50-60 years old showed the greatest
percentage
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 in education and health
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 40 per
cent
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. The
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youths
Fix the agreement mistake
youth
show examples
figure
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 was 5 per
cent
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 more than
medium
Correct article usage
the medium
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 groups (25%).
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the lowest
results
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was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 5 per
cent
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 among adults who are between 25 and 34 among all workplaces, not only in education and health.
In
Change preposition
Among
show examples
youths
Use synonyms
, the increase peaked at 40 per
cent
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, who
injured
Verb problem
were injured
show examples
 in mining and construction, and the
results
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 among elderly
people
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 were 5 per
cent
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 less than
youths
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. In the third place was the
figure
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 of adults with 15 per
cent
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 , and the minimal
percentage
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 was 10 % among
medium
Correct article usage
the medium
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 group workers in mining and construction.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, people, results, age, youths, figure, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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