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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows the proportion of income spent on 4 common items in the UK in 1998.

The table below shows the proportion of income spent on 4 common items in the UK in 1998.
The given table compares the percentage of
expenditure
Use synonyms
 which British people
purchased
Verb problem
spent on
show examples
 4 types of items from their revenue in 1998.
Overall
Linking Words
, the total spending
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 items among the
children
Use synonyms
 was higher than
other
Change preposition
in other
show examples
 categories.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 spent
Correct article usage
the
show examples
lowest budget
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their needs. First and foremost,
women
Use synonyms
 spent the most at 39%
for
Change preposition
on
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 food
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was only 25%
around
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
adults
Use synonyms
. The
expenditure
Use synonyms
 between the
men
Use synonyms
 was
also
Linking Words
 high (14%) compared to
Use synonyms
boys
Correct article usage
the boys
show examples
who
Punctuation problem
, who
show examples
 spent the least (9%).
Children
Use synonyms
 and
girls
Use synonyms
 spent 10% and 11% respectively.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, most of the individuals separated more money for the music rather than other items.
For instance
Linking Words
,
girls
Use synonyms
 spent 40% of their income
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 that
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was only 5% for
3
Correct article usage
the 3
show examples
categories
:
Punctuation problem
:
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adults
Use synonyms
,
men
Use synonyms
,
Use synonyms
women
Correct word choice
and women
show examples
.
Children
Use synonyms
 and
boys
Use synonyms
allocated
Verb problem
were allocated
show examples
 39% and 38%
correspondingly
Rephrase
respectively
show examples
. A number of people showed little interest
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 videos
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was only 0.5% among the
women
Use synonyms
. The
expenditure
Use synonyms
 was higher among the
boys
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was only 18%.
Girls
Use synonyms
 and
children
Use synonyms
 spent 17% and 12%
respetively
Correct your spelling
respectively
.
Men
Use synonyms
 divide only 2%
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their income
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was the lowest
expenditure
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 same situation
observed
Verb problem
was observed
show examples
 in
adults
Use synonyms
 was 1%.
Children
Use synonyms
 allocate 23%
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their earnings for the electronic equipment
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was the top,
in
Linking Words
contrast
Add a comma
contrast,
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 spent only 1%
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 that item.
Boys
Use synonyms
 and
men
Use synonyms
 separate 18% and 10%
correspondingly
Rephrase
respectively
show examples
.
Adults
Use synonyms
 and
girls
Use synonyms
 divide the same
percantage
Correct your spelling
percentage
 for their needs
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 electronic equipment
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was only 5%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words expenditure, children, men, women, adults, boys, girls with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "divide" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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