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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the total number of minutes(in billions) of telephone calls in the UK, divided into three categories, from 1995-2002.

The chart below shows the total number of minutes(in billions) of telephone calls in the UK, divided into three categories, from 1995-2002.
The bar
chart
Use synonyms
 illustrates the average
Australian
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water
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consumption
Use synonyms
 in selected cities for
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
year
Use synonyms
. The pie
chart
Use synonyms
 demonstrates the distribution of
Australian
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water
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
 for
last
Linking Words
year
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, the bar
chart
Use synonyms
 illustrates the average annual
water
Use synonyms
consumption
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 in six
Australian
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 cities.
Pie
Correct article usage
The pie
show examples
chart
Use synonyms
 shows
what
Correct word choice
how
show examples
this
Linking Words
water
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 was spent
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
. In Perth, 300
kilolitres
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 of
water
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 were consumed
for
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the
last
Linking Words
year
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. Meanwhile, less than 150
kilolitres
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 of resources were
utilized
Use the right word
utilised
show examples
 by residents of Canberra.
Similarly
Linking Words
, citizens of Melbourne
also
Linking Words
 used only one hundred and fifty
kilolitres
Use synonyms
 of
water
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 on average for the past
year
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,
while
Linking Words
water
Use synonyms
consumption
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 among inhabitants of Sydney accounted for two hundred
kilolitres
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. Compared with the residents of Sydney, the inhabitants of Adelaide used more
water
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 by about 40
kilolitres
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.
Australian
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water
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consumption
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 distribution included 67% for agriculture and only two per
cent
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of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 mining,
whereas
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 manufacturing and other industries represented 4 per
cent
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 in 2014.
Likewise
Linking Words
, seven per
cent
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 comprised
water
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 supply, sewage and drainage, and
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 electricity and gas supply. At the same time, households made up about 9 per
cent
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words chart, australian, water, consumption, year, kilolitres, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "illustrates" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • total number
  • minutes
  • telephone calls
  • UK
  • divided into
  • categories
  • from
  • to
  • overall
  • increased significantly
  • local fixed-line calls
  • accounted for
  • largest proportion
  • throughout
  • period
  • international calls
  • highest rate of growth
  • experiencing
  • sharp increase
  • national long-distance calls
  • remained relatively stable
  • slight decline
  • towards
  • end
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