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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the total number of minutes(in billions) of telephone calls in the UK, divided into three categories, from 1995-2002

The chart below shows the total number of minutes(in billions) of telephone calls in the UK, divided into three categories, from 1995-2002
The bar chart illustrates the average
water
Use synonyms
 consumption in
Australian selected
Correct word order
selected Australian
show examples
 cities
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
in
Change preposition
as
show examples
 Sydney, Perth, Adelaide, Brisbane, Melbourne, and Canberra
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 year.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the pie chart reveals the distribution of Australian annual
water
Use synonyms
 consumption in 2014.
Overall
Linking Words
, the upward trend on
bar
Correct article usage
the bar
show examples
 chart is Perth,
while
Linking Words
 the downward
is
Check wording
trend is
show examples
 Canberra .
Furthermore
Linking Words
 , the highest
water
Use synonyms
 use purpose is agriculture. In detail, in Australian city called Perth
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 the
most
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
highest annual
water
Use synonyms
using
Replace the word
usage
show examples
 with 300 kilolitre per
Check wording
person
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property
Punctuation problem
property,
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 followed closely
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
Brisbane
stand
Correct subject-verb agreement
stands
show examples
 out at the next rate of
resident
Fix the agreement mistake
residents
show examples
 with 250 kilolitre respectively.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
at the least stage the Canberra accounts for
150 kilolitre approximately
Correct word order
approximately 150 kilolitre
show examples
. Meanwhile , in
Australia
Add a comma
Australia,
show examples
 the
most total
Correct word choice
main
show examples
 purpose of H2O distribution is countryside agricultural use
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 the majority ( 67 per cent) , but
mining
Correct article usage
the mining
show examples
 industry is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
tiniest
Correct word choice
smallest
show examples
 percentage . The figure was a tiny proportion
respectively
Punctuation problem
, respectively
show examples
.
Although
Linking Words
, same proportion represents 7% of
Use synonyms
water
Correct article usage
the water
show examples
 supply , sewage and drainage and electricity and gas supply roughly .

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words water with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • total number
  • minutes
  • telephone calls
  • UK
  • divided into
  • categories
  • from
  • to
  • overall
  • increased significantly
  • local fixed-line calls
  • accounted for
  • largest proportion
  • throughout
  • period
  • international calls
  • highest rate of growth
  • experiencing
  • sharp increase
  • national long-distance calls
  • remained relatively stable
  • slight decline
  • towards
  • end
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