IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that the goverment sholud take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their retirement. What is your opinion? Is it a postive or negative development?

It is argued by some individuals that public authorities should provide
finanacial assiatance
Correct your spelling
financial assistance
 to the aged
people
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that old
people
Use synonyms
 should use their savings to fund their
retirement
Use synonyms
.
This
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 trend has sparked debate regarding whether it is a positive or negative development.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explore both perspectives and present a reasoned opinion. On the one hand, the
people
Use synonyms
 who argue that
Correct article usage
the govenment
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govenment
Correct your spelling
government
 should fund
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retirement
Use synonyms
 believe that individuals
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 worked really hard during their whole
life
Use synonyms
, and paid
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
 to the government.
Therefore
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, now
its
Use the right word
it's
show examples
 their responsibility to assist them when they are no longer capable of working. During working years, each pay cheque includes the amount which directly goes to
Use synonyms
retirement
Correct article usage
the retirement
show examples
 fund from the gross income of the workers.
Thus
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, they ask for their own money from the authorities, not anything from their pockets.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is the only way to show respect and value to the
people
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 who
spent
Verb problem
have spent
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 their whole
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 working to make
this
Linking Words
 world a better place.
Consequently
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, the only way to make old
people
Use synonyms
 feel valued is by giving them the financial support they deserve. On the flip side, the humans who believe that
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 should save themselves for their
life
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 after
retirement
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 think that public organisations already have numerous issues to take care of, among which helping older
peopler
Use the right word
people
show examples
 is not the priority. The challenges like global warming, education, employment,
renewable
Correct word choice
and renewable
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 resources are far more significant than assisting aged human beings financially.
Instead
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 of giving that money to old
people
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, it could be used to build
strong
Correct article usage
a strong
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 economy.
To conclude
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, it can be inferred from the above confabulation that
while
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 providing financial support to the old
people
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 has its own merits, it is
also
Linking Words
 important
to not
Correct word order
not to
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 rely on anybody and start saving from
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
yound
Correct your spelling
young
 age in order to have a better
life
Use synonyms
 after
retirement
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. On balance, I believe that it is a positive development and the government should make regulations and
public owned
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public-owned
show examples
retirement
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 homes which will support old
people
Use synonyms
 financially, emotionally and will cover their health expenses.

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task
Make your view clear at the end. Say yes or no and give one strong reason.
coherence
Put ideas in good order. Use and or but to show how ideas go with each other.
grammar
Use short, easy words. Check verb form and plural.
lexical
Add one small example to back a point, but keep it simple.
content
The essay shows both sides and has a clear plan.
structure
There is a clear introduction and a final conclusion that give a view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • healthcare
  • poverty
  • elderly
  • financial literacy
  • planning
  • invest
  • disparities
  • acumen
  • sustainability
  • allocation
  • public service
  • dignity
  • contribution
What to do next:
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