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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays parents put too much pressure on their children to succeed. What is the reason for doing this? Is this negative or positive development?

It is true that these days parents try too hard to make their offspring successful. In
this
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 essay, I will set out the principal reason for
this
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 phenomenon and go on to explain why
this
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development
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 is beneficial.
To begin
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 with, the cardinal reason
of
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for
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this
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 trend is
parent’s
Check wording
parents’
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 desire
of
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for
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 a better
future
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 for their
children
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. They want them to receive a good education, which will pave the way for their professional growth and
development
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 in the
future
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. Having decent salaries, they will be able
provide
Verb problem
to provide
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 sustainable lives for their families and themselves. If they do not have a high education,
this
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 will be much more difficult because the majority of well-paid positions nowadays require a high level of specific knowledge
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is provided by educational facilities.
For example
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, one of my acquaintances who studied computer science at university
,
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apply
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 was employed
in
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apply
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a month after graduation
due to
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 his knowledge, having a salary of approximately 4,000 pounds. In my opinion,
this
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development
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 is positive because it stimulates valuable characteristics in
children
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.
This
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 is because
while
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 working hard with tutors outside their classes at school,
for instance
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,
children
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 become more perseverant and
well-organized
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well-organised
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.
As a result
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, they know how to allocate their time properly in order to succeed, which is part and parcel of their
future
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 career as well. They will be able to overcome a variety of difficulties,
such
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 as strict deadlines or pressure from their employers
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, easier
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easier
Rephrase
more easily
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 compared to their colleagues, which will ensure their progress.
Therefore
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,
children
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 must be put under pressure by their parents in order to overcome these problems. In conclusion, I take the view that parents put so much pressure on their daughters and sons because they intend to provide them with a better
future
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, which is positive since
this
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development
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 helps them to become more organised and perseverant, which is crucial for their
future
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 career

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structure
Make a clear plan. Say your main point in the intro and finish with a clear answer.
task
Add a balanced view. Talk about both good and bad sides of pressure.
cohesion
Use simple linking words to show ideas connect, like 'first', 'also', 'but', 'in addition'.
content
The writer gives a clear view and adds a hope of a better future.
structure
The essay uses examples and a flow in the idea.
basics
Intro and conclusion are present.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Excessive pressure
  • Academic achievements
  • Professional success
  • Secure future
  • Social comparison
  • Competitive environment
  • Psychological impact
  • Stress and anxiety
  • Resilience
  • Work ethic
  • Emotional well-being
  • Supportive parenting
  • Achievements
  • Life skills
  • Balance
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