IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Parents should encourage their children to spend less time studying and more time doing physical activities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is advised for parents to motivate their kids to study for fewer
hours
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 and spend most of their leisure time doing physical exercises and sports. Personally, I particularly agree with
this
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 view as
children
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 from their early age should be taught to study and do some physical training in order to be mentally and physically wellbeing. Some individuals believe that an active lifestyle and spending longer
hours
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 doing extracurricular physical activities will be more beneficial for the
child
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's health than studying. Teaching kids to love doing exercises and encouraging them to do more training would benefit the physical well-being of a
child
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 , as they will become more flexible and more active than their peers who prefer to study more.
For instance
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, if a
child
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 is motivated to have a more active lifestyle, they will end up having a healthier body and will not be vulnerable to some serious illnesses;
thus
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, more and more parents encourage their
children
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 to be more physically active,
instead
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 of mentally.
However
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, as some argue, it would be more beneficial if a
child
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 were exposed to studying more. As academic achievement plays a crucial role in the future as it opens the door to better universities
as well as
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 better careers.
In addition
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, good grades and knowledge are the results of studying for long
hours
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.
For example
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,
children
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 who are encouraged to learn maths, science and languages are more likely to get scholarships and high-paying jobs in the future.
Therefore
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, if
children
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 spend less time studying, they may struggle to compete in the job market. In conclusion,
although
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 spending more
hours
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 on the physical wellbeing of a
child
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 is advantageous
instead
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 of studying, I think that both of them should be taught for the
children
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 in order to have a balance between physical and mental wellbeing.

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task response
Task response: State your view in one clear line in the first paragraph. Then keep one main idea in each paragraph and back it with a simple example.
coherence
Coherence and cohesion: Use clear links. Start each paragraph with one main idea. Use words like and, but, also, for example to show how ideas go together.
coherence
Coherence and cohesion: Shorten long sentences. Use full stops to show end of thought. This helps the reader follow.
coherence
Coherence and cohesion: Make sure all ideas serve your view. Cut away parts that do not add to your point.
task response
You show a clear view on the topic.
structure
The essay has an intro and a conclusion.
content
Some good examples are used.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Development
  • Concentration
  • Obesity
  • Burnout
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Healthy lifestyle
  • Intellectual development
  • Structured activities
  • Teamwork
  • Leadership
  • Sedentary behavior
  • Tech addiction
  • Role models
  • Family bonds
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