IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Parents should encourage their children to spend less time studying and more time doing physical activities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, it is widely believed that
children
Use synonyms
 should be encouraged by their
parents
Use synonyms
 in order to
studying
Wrong verb form
study
show examples
 less and spend more
time
Use synonyms
 doing physical
activities
Use synonyms
. I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 view for several reasons, one of which is that studying more secure
children
Use synonyms
's academic knowledge. I
also
Linking Words
 maintain that other important aspects need consideration,
such
Linking Words
 as doing physical
Use synonyms
activities
Punctuation problem
activities,
show examples
 more help
to
Change preposition
apply
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children
Use synonyms
 stay
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
. Encouraging
children
Use synonyms
spend
Verb problem
to spend
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 less
time
Use synonyms
 learning
new
Remove the redundancy
apply
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new skills is not proper as some
children
Use synonyms
 do not want to study themselves. When
parents
Use synonyms
give
Verb problem
put
show examples
 more pressure
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
, they study more. Giving pressure and motivation to
children
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secure
Verb problem
to secure
show examples
 their future career. In
increasingly
Correct article usage
an increasingly
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 competitive job market, strong academic performance is viewed as essential to
save
Verb problem
advance
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 their career steadily.
the
Fix capitalization
The
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 more
children
Use synonyms
 study, the more knowledge
the
Use the right word
they
show examples
posess
Correct your spelling
possess
. Take developed countries as an example, they always struggle with studying hard from their early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
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 in order to find well paid job. With the advent of technology,
children
Use synonyms
 tend to spend their
time
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 just
stay
Wrong verb form
staying
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 in front of
TV
Correct article usage
the TV
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 and computer
instead
Linking Words
 of playing outside. Now
parents
Use synonyms
Verb problem
are concern
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concern
Replace the word
concerned
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of
Change preposition
about
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 their
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
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 health, so they always force their
children
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spend
Verb problem
to spend
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 more
time
Use synonyms
 doing physical
activities
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. Spending more
time
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 doing more exercises helps
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
children
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 stay not only
physical
Replace the word
physically
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, but
also
Linking Words
mental
Replace the word
mentally
show examples
 healthy. It
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
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 their immune system, which means
Correct pronoun usage
it prevent
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prevent
Correct subject-verb agreement
prevents
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from
Correct pronoun usage
them from
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 being ill. In
conclucion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
parents
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 should teach their
children
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 to do both
activities
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on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 balance, cause both of them
effect
Use the right word
affect
show examples
 each other. They play
Correct article usage
a crutial
show examples
crutial
Correct your spelling
crucial
 role in
children
Use synonyms
's future path. Close

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structure
Start with a clear view in one sentence in the opening paragraph.
structure
Use 2-3 clear body parts. Each has a main idea, a small detail, and an example.
grammar
Keep the grammar simple and check verb forms and plural words.
coherence
Use linking words to show how ideas go from one to next.
content
Add specific examples to explain your points well.
content
The essay shows a real try to talk about both sides.
structure
There is a clear view against the view at the start.
content
Some ideas are easy to follow about health and study balance.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Development
  • Concentration
  • Obesity
  • Burnout
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Healthy lifestyle
  • Intellectual development
  • Structured activities
  • Teamwork
  • Leadership
  • Sedentary behavior
  • Tech addiction
  • Role models
  • Family bonds
What to do next:
Look at other essays: