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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the average hours per day men and women spent on different activities in 1958 and 2008.

The charts below show the average hours per day men and women spent on different activities in 1958 and 2008.
The pie charts
illustrates
Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrate
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 the variations in terms of the average
of
Change preposition
apply
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time each day spent on diverse activities between men and women in 1958 and 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, working was the highest proportion in the years of 1958 and
2008
Punctuation problem
2008,
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 with 33
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
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 and 42
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
respectively
Punctuation problem
, respectively
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.
Whereas
Linking Words
 travel to work, which was lowest in 1958, increased by 6
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 in 2008. In 1958, people spent the most time
on
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apply
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working
with
Punctuation problem
, with
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 33
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
, closely followed by sleeping
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 32
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, travel to work (2
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
), relaxing at home (8
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
)
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 other interests or playing sports (6
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
) accounted for relatively small proportions whose total figures were similar to going out (with friend/family) with 19
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
. By 2008, the average
of
Check wording
number of
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 hours spent
on
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apply
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working increased to 42
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 travel to work, relaxing at home and other interests or playing sports slightly increased as well.
In contrast
Linking Words
, citizens allocated less time
on
Change preposition
to
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 sleeping
Punctuation problem
, that
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 had declined from 32
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 to 25
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
. Notably, going out (with
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
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/family) had the least proportion
with
Punctuation problem
, with
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 6
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
, decreased from 19
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 to 6
Use synonyms
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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