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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of Australian males and females who engaged in distinct sport
activities
Use synonyms
 from different
age
Use synonyms
range
Correct subject-verb agreement
ranges
show examples
 in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the number of
women
Use synonyms
 who
interested
Verb problem
are interested
show examples
 in
activities
Use synonyms
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
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 more than
men
Use synonyms
 in all
age
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
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, except
15
Correct article usage
the 15
show examples
-24
age
Use synonyms
 group.
Although
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
 did more
activities
Use synonyms
 in
teenage
Correct pronoun usage
their teenage
show examples
 years,
women
Use synonyms
 showed the most
activated
Replace the word
active
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 version in
45
Correct pronoun usage
their 45
show examples
 to 54
.
Check wording
years.
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To begin
Linking Words
 with, the highest percentage of
men
Use synonyms
 who were more active
belong
Wrong verb form
belonged
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 to people aged 15-24 at 52.8%,
while
Linking Words
 they had the lowest numbers at 39.5% in their 35-44. With time passing, the figures witnessed a significant rise, ending at
high
Correct article usage
a high
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 point of 46.7% of participants in physical
activities
Use synonyms
. As for
women
Use synonyms
, despite other ages, they recorded about 5% less than
men
Use synonyms
 in
15
Correct article usage
the 15
show examples
 to 24
age
Use synonyms
 group, at 47.7%.
By contrast
Linking Words
 of males, females’ activity grew notably, reaching a peak of 53.3% for 45 to 54 years old.
Finally
Linking Words
, elderly
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
,
with
Change preposition
aged
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age
Use synonyms
 65 and over, experienced approximately the same percentage of
activities
Use synonyms
about
Punctuation problem
, about
show examples
 47%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words activities, age, women, men with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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