IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Research into new types of medicine and treatments are essential to improve health and deal with diseases. Who do you think should fund these researches : private companies, individuals or the government ?

Dealing with diseases and improving health requires a lot of
research
Use synonyms
 in medicine and health
treatments
Use synonyms
. There is an ongoing debate
whether
Change preposition
about whether
show examples
 private
companies
Use synonyms
, individuals, or the government should fund
this
Linking Words
research
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the differences before presenting a reasoned conclusion.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
 medicine is only useful if it is available and affordable to everyone. Private
companies
Use synonyms
 often have personal gain and growth in mind, which leads to costly
treatments
Use synonyms
 when new
research
Use synonyms
 is conducted.
For instance
Linking Words
, when
corona
Check wording
the coronavirus
show examples
 hit the world, big pharmaceutical
companies
Use synonyms
 made billions in revenue by selling their vaccines to different countries.
Therefore
Linking Words
, leaving private
companies
Use synonyms
 to conduct crucial medical
research
Use synonyms
 results in
treatments
Use synonyms
 being unaffordable to the public.
Secondly
Linking Words
, some medicines require massive funds to cure small but deadly diseases. Leaving individuals to raise the
money
Use synonyms
,
for
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
show examples
 by donations, will almost never cover the needed costs.
This
Linking Words
 is owed to the fact that healthy people do not think about illnesses until
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
affects
Correct subject-verb agreement
affect
show examples
 them or their family members.
As a result
Linking Words
, uncommon diseases will not receive the required funding for
research
Use synonyms
 or treatment.
This
Linking Words
 only leaves governments to invest in
research
Use synonyms
 projects and
treatments
Use synonyms
. They not only have the
money
Use synonyms
 to fund
this
Linking Words
research
Use synonyms
, but
also
Linking Words
 lack the need to make
profit
Correct article usage
a profit
show examples
 from new cures.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the government can afford to support different
research
Use synonyms
 projects and
treatments
Use synonyms
 with the motivation to help as many people as possible. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 private
companies
Use synonyms
 have the
money
Use synonyms
 to fund
research
Use synonyms
, they are
also
Linking Words
 looking for personal gains.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, whilst individuals’ personal gains are healthy family members, they lack the needed
money
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 leaves the government as the most beneficial investor in researching new medicines.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

development
Add a clear view about how private pay and gov aid can work together.
evidence
Give more actual facts or numbers to back the claims.
structure
Make each paragraph begin with a clear idea and stay on that idea.
content
Be fair and show other sides, not only one view.
structure
The essay has a clear plan with an intro, body and conclusion.
content
The idea that money must reach all people is kept until the end.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • funding
  • research
  • treatments
  • healthcare system
  • public health
  • private companies
  • government funding
  • individual contributions
  • clinical trials
  • non-profit organizations
  • collaboration
  • innovation
  • mixed funding model
  • diseases
  • health concerns
What to do next:
Look at other essays: