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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the percentage of secondary school teachers under 30 years of age in four countries between 2010 and 2017. Provide an overview of the information by identifying and describing the key details, and include comparisons where appropriate.

The graph below shows the percentage of secondary school teachers under 30 years of age in four countries between 2010 and 2017. Provide an overview of the information by identifying and describing the key details, and include comparisons where appropriate.
The line graph illustrates the proportions of
teachers
Use synonyms
 under 30
years
Use synonyms
 old at secondary schools in four different
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
show examples
 from 2010 to 2017.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the data of Japan and
Czech
Correct article usage
the Czech
show examples
 Republic witnessed an upward trend,
while
Linking Words
 the opposite was true for that of Brazil and Luxembourg.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the number of secondary school
teachers
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
under
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 the age of
under
Change preposition
apply
show examples
30
years
Use synonyms
 old in
Czech
Correct article usage
the Czech
show examples
 Republic fluctuated over
period
Correct article usage
a period
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 of seven
years
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
between 2010 and 2017. Let’s see the percentage of
Japan
Replace the word
Japanese
show examples
 secondary
teachers
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 younger than 30
years
Use synonyms
 old increased
lightly
Replace the word
slightly
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from 8% in 2010 to 12% in 2011
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
this
Linking Words
 figure
stablised
Correct your spelling
stabilised
 during
2
Correct article usage
the 2
show examples
years
Use synonyms
 later, particularly between 2011 to 2013. There was an increase in the data of
Japan
Replace the word
Japanese
show examples
teachers
Use synonyms
 over the next 4
years
Use synonyms
, with 12% and 16%, respectively.
Besides
Linking Words
,
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Czech Republic experienced a fluctuation
increasing
Punctuation problem
, increasing
show examples
 approximately 5% at the first point to 7% at the
eding
Correct your spelling
end
 of
period
Correct article usage
the period
show examples
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, from 2010 to 2017, the percentage of
Brazil
Replace the word
Brazilian
show examples
teachers
Use synonyms
 teaching at secondary school under 30
years
Use synonyms
 of age went down steadily by about 7%
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
beginning
Verb problem
starting
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 at 20%.
Also
Linking Words
, that of Luxembourg fluctuated from 17%, which reduced rapidly
about
Change preposition
by about
show examples
 5% and continued to jump up by 2.5%, over the next two
years
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 figure went down significantly,
stood
Wrong verb form
standing
show examples
 at over 15.2% in 2012 to 10% in 2017.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words teachers, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "went down" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fluctuated" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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