IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Music and other arts seem to be features of evety society. In what ways are music and other arts important for societies and for individuals? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Nowadays, as we all know, with the development of new technologies, especially
smart-phones
Use the right word
smartphones
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 and earphones, and all
this
Linking Words
 kind of
stuff
Punctuation problem
stuff,
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 we are able to listen to
music
Use synonyms
 in every single moment. In my opinion,
music
Use synonyms
 is very important, I would say necessary
,
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;
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 in fact, it helps us to focus on something
or
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, or
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 maybe it gives us the motivation to do something that, apparently, we do not want to do. But
music
Use synonyms
,
as
Change preposition
like
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 all other forms of
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
art
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,
also
Linking Words
 has a different function
,
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;
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 in
fact
Add a comma
fact,
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 it helps us to get distracted and maybe,
also
Linking Words
 to overcome a bad period.
For
Linking Words
example
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example,
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 when I get rejected
from
Change preposition
by
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 a girl that I like a lot, to overcome
this
Linking Words
 moment, I
,
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apply
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 usually
,
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apply
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 listen to
music
Use synonyms
 and it really helps me to overcome
this
Linking Words
 period.
Music
Use synonyms
 is
important
Correct word order
also important
show examples
also
Linking Words
 because it gives us the opportunity to have fun all together, let's think about concerts or about
karaoke's
Check wording
karaoke
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 around the city. Another
,
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apply
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 important
,
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apply
show examples
 form of art is sports. In fact, as we all know, sport is very important for our lives and, especially, for our mental health. It helps us to concentrate on what we are doing
,
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apply
show examples
 and to forget about everything else.
For example
Linking Words
, I really love tennis, and when I'm playing
my
Punctuation problem
, my
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 only thought
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 to play and to win, so I'm really focused on my game and on what I have to do. As everyone has done at least once in his life,
also
Linking Words
 watching sports can help us to forget about something or to stop thinking, let's think about going to the stadium, when we go to the stadium with our friend first of all it's a way to spend good time with good people, second of all it is a moment in which we relax and we do not think about problems. In conclusion, art is very important in our society because it helps us to forget about problems, and it gives us the opportunity to overcome bad periods.

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task response
You have some good ideas and a clear personal view. Try to use one clear idea in each paragraph and link them to the topic.
task response
Add a short intro that states your main idea and a short end that repeats your point.
coherence
Use simple link words to show how ideas go together, like first, also, and but.
coherence
Avoid long, run-on sentences. Use full stops to end a thought. Use commas for short pauses.
content
The essay shows a real view and uses everyday life examples.
structure
There are moments of focus on a main idea and a clear end line 'In conclusion' present.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural heritage
  • community building
  • emotional well-being
  • self-expression
  • solidarity
  • cognitive development
  • cultural identity
  • economic contribution
  • social cohesion
  • therapy
  • interpersonal relationships
  • artistic expression
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