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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The graph below gives information about the common activities children ages in the United States do as of their bedtime routines.

The graph below gives information about the common activities children ages in the United States do as of their bedtime routines.
The bar chart gives a breakdown of common activities
youngers
Use the right word
young people
show examples
 in the US do as part of their bedtime routines.
Overall
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 newborns
tent
Use the right word
tend
show examples
 to be
activbe
Correct your spelling
active
 in eating and having a bath, 4-5 aged ones were dominant in
reding
Use the right word
reading
show examples
 and watching TV and 6-8 aged childrens were
encoureged
Correct your spelling
encouraged
 in brushing teeth among each other. In the US, the youngest kids were mostly busy with reading at 65% and having a bath at 40%, less of their time they spent
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching TV, eating
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 teeth cleaning (15%, 20% and 30%). Regarding
middle age
Use the right word
middle-aged
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 kids, the highest rate was in
reding
Use the right word
reading
show examples
 at 70%, which was
doubled
Correct determiner usage
twice doubled
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 number of having a bath activity.
On
Change preposition
In
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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second place was a routine
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 having a shower at 45%, the lowest rate was in two
remainming
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
activities.
Moreover
Linking Words
, older kids were
fan
Fix the agreement mistake
fans
show examples
 of reading and cleaning teeth at 60% and 50%,
while
Linking Words
eating
Correct article usage
the eating
show examples
 rate was at 10%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "gives" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
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