IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is the best to encourage children to have a healthy diet at school while others believe that parents should be the ones to teach children to have a healthy diet Discuss both views and give your opinion

There is a debate over who should encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to have a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 ,with some saying
teachers
Use synonyms
 ought to motivate them,with others arguing that
parents
Use synonyms
 are responsible for it.In my opinion,
parents
Use synonyms
 are responsible
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Correct pronoun usage
their children
show examples
 to follow
well-balanced
Correct article usage
a well-balanced
show examples
diet
Use synonyms
.
Teachers
Use synonyms
 can encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to follow a healthy
diet
Use synonyms
.Because
children
Use synonyms
 spend most of their time at school and they eat their most important meals there,
that is
Linking Words
, breakfast and lunch.
Teachers
Use synonyms
 can provide healthy salads during their meals and prevent them from eating too much.
In addition
Linking Words
, tutors may take a break to stretch during the lesson, which
also
Linking Words
 helps maintain a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
. So,if
teachers
Use synonyms
 provide them opportunity to eat healthy
food
Use synonyms
 and do regular
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
,
children
Use synonyms
 will
keep
Verb problem
maintain
show examples
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
lifestyle
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, tutors are the best to motivate
children
Use synonyms
 to have a healthy
diet
Use synonyms
.
Parents
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
,can encourage them much better.They may give lunchboxes with healthy
food
Use synonyms
 like salad and light
food
Use synonyms
 for their
children
Use synonyms
,so that they can eat them during lunch and breakfast at school.
In addition
Linking Words
,
Parents
Use synonyms
 might provide healthy
food
Use synonyms
 and healthy juices from different fruits and vegetables during dinner,which has great benefits for the body, because during
sleep
Punctuation problem
sleep,
show examples
 the beneficial properties of vegetables and fruits are absorbed faster, which allows
children
Use synonyms
 to grow faster and healthier.
Thus
Linking Words
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 think
parents
Use synonyms
 are responsible for their
children
Use synonyms
 to follow
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 healthy
diet
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
teachers
Use synonyms
 can encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to eat healthily at school,
parents
Use synonyms
 are in a better position to monitor their
diet
Use synonyms
 consistently. Since they spend more time with their
children
Use synonyms
 and control what is eaten at home,
parents
Use synonyms
 can guide them more effectively towards a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

language
Fix grammar and sentence form. Some phrases sound odd; for example, 'to follow well-balanced diet' and 'tutors' vs 'teachers' are not used well.
structure
Use clear topic sentences in each paragraph. Start with the main idea, then give details.
content
Give more real and simple examples for each view. Also avoid wrong science, like the idea that nutrients are better absorbed at night.
cohesion
Link ideas with better flow. Use words like however, also, but, and so to show how ideas connect.
strength
Clear stance and overall structure
strength
Gives both sides and a conclusion
strength
Easy to read and shows it is close to a mid level band
What to do next:
Look at other essays: