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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.
The graph gives data about the number of participants
of
Change preposition
in
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 each activity between 2000 and 2020 at
one
Correct determiner usage
a
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 social
center
Change the spelling
centre
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 in Melbourne.
Overall
Linking Words
, we can appreciate that some activities had a regular evolution
unlike
Punctuation problem
, unlike
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 the others that have changed more since 2000.
For example
Linking Words
, Film club and Martial arts have been regular all over these 20 years
,
Punctuation problem
;
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on the other hand
Linking Words
, activities
such
Linking Words
 as Amateur dramatics, Table tennis or Musical performance have evolved in a more discontinuous manner. In 2000, the Film club had 65 participants
,
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;
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this
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 has not changed
so
Rephrase
apply
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much since we have information
, the
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. The
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 lowest point was in
2010
Punctuation problem
2010,
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 with 60 participants and in
2020
Punctuation problem
2020,
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 with 65 again. With Martial
arts
Punctuation problem
arts,
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 something similar happens
, at
Punctuation problem
. At
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 the beginning of the
century
Punctuation problem
century,
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 it had around 38 competitors
, the
Punctuation problem
. The
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 lowest point was in
2005
Punctuation problem
2005,
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 with around 32 applicants
, in
Punctuation problem
. In
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2020
Punctuation problem
2020,
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 it had 38. Something very different occurs with the other occupations.
For instance
Linking Words
, Amateur dramatics started with 27 people participating and ended in 2020 with only 10. Table tennis is the opposite
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 it began with 17 people and ended with 54.
Finally
Linking Words
,
Musical
Correct article usage
the Musical
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 performance started in 2005 with 0 people and started
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 20s with 19.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "gives" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "changed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • participants
  • social centre
  • comparison
  • trends
  • consistently popular
  • gained popularity
  • lost popularity
  • community interest
  • availability of facilities
  • social factors
  • economic factors
  • external events
  • economic downturns
  • health crises
  • demographic changes
  • aging population
  • marketing
  • community outreach programs
  • participation rates
  • Melbourne
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