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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.
This
Linking Words
 graph shows the
Use synonyms
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne from 2000 to 2020. We can notice a huge domination of the film club
activity
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 through the years
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
fact
Punctuation problem
fact,
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 it has always, since the beginning the most
attentended
Correct your spelling
attended
activity
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 in the social centre in Melbourne
being
Punctuation problem
, being
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 generally around
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
65 participants per year. In
2020
Punctuation problem
2020,
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 the second
activity
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 with the most participants was
tennis table
Correct word order
table tennis
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, but it wasn’t like that
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 years ago
from
Punctuation problem
, from
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 2000 to
2010
Punctuation problem
2010,
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 they were generally 18
students
Use synonyms
 per year
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 since
2010
Punctuation problem
2010,
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 it has started being more trendy
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
 5 years
later
Punctuation problem
later,
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 they doubled the
Use synonyms
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
tennis table
Correct word order
table tennis
show examples
 players
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 in
2020
Punctuation problem
2020,
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 they counted more than 50
students
Use synonyms
. For martial
arts
Punctuation problem
arts,
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
practicant
Correct your spelling
practitioners
 was quite stable since
2000
Punctuation problem
2000,
show examples
 they never lost or gained more than 5
students
Use synonyms
 from
a
Correct article usage
one
show examples
 year to another, making it the third most
practicated
Correct your spelling
practised
activity
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 in 2020.
While
Linking Words
tennis
Correct article usage
the tennis
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 table was increasing the
Use synonyms
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
students
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, amateur dramatics were seeing almost all of their
students
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 leaving. They were 30 back in 2005
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they are now (in 2020) just 5, making it the least practised
activity
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. And
Linking Words
finally
Add a comma
finally,
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 the newest
activity
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, musical performances,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 started in
2005
Punctuation problem
2005,
show examples
 has been increasing slowly but continually. They are, in 2020, 18
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is more than amateur dramatics.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words numbers, activity, students with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 4 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • participants
  • social centre
  • comparison
  • trends
  • consistently popular
  • gained popularity
  • lost popularity
  • community interest
  • availability of facilities
  • social factors
  • economic factors
  • external events
  • economic downturns
  • health crises
  • demographic changes
  • aging population
  • marketing
  • community outreach programs
  • participation rates
  • Melbourne
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