IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The problem of obesity is becoming a serious issue all over the world. Some people argue that the price of fattening foods should be increased to reduce the growth of this problem. Do you agree or disagree?

The recent trend shows
Use synonyms
obesity
Correct word choice
that obesity
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becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
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 a global concern. It has been argued that imposing
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
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 tax on
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 may mitigate the severity of
this
Linking Words
 problem. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 proposal as
this
Linking Words
 step will reduce the consumption of processed
food
Use synonyms
 and encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to choose healthy alternative meals. One of the main reasons
of
Change preposition
for
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consumption
Correct article usage
the consumption
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 of
junk
Use synonyms
foods
Use synonyms
 as they are cheaper and convenient compared to healthy
foods
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they contain higher amounts of sugar
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 them more addictive. Imposing higher tariffs on fattening
foods
Use synonyms
 will make them more expensive
Linking Words
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 a
result
Punctuation problem
result,
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people
Use synonyms
 will be less likely to spend money on them due
budget
Change preposition
to budget
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 constraints.
For example
Linking Words
, the UK government put
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
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 VAT on fast
foods
Use synonyms
,
as a
Linking Words
result
Punctuation problem
result,
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 there was a sharp decline of taking them among teenagers. The procedures can be followed by other countries to reduce the burden of
obesity
Use synonyms
. Another merit of increasing
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
 is
it
Correct word choice
that it
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 will motivate
people
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 to pick healthier homemade
foods
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. As
junk
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food
Use synonyms
 will be expensive
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people
Punctuation problem
, people
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 will prefer healthier options as they are more economically viable.
As a result
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 less sugary
intake
Add a comma
intake,
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 there will be less prevalence of
obesity
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 higher
nutrients
Add a comma
nutrients,
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people
Use synonyms
 will have a healthier lifestyle.
For example
Linking Words
, in Mexico
after
Punctuation problem
, after
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 implementing additional tariffs on fast
foods
Use synonyms
,
trend
Correct article usage
the trend
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 for taking healthier options spiked which resulting fall
of
Change preposition
in
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obesity
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I believe
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 tax on
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 is an innovative idea which will pave the way to decrease processed
food
Use synonyms
 consumption
leading
Punctuation problem
, leading
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 to
reduce
Wrong verb form
a reduction in
show examples
 the
obesity
Use synonyms
 problem.

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Make a clear plan: intro, two body parts, and a short ending. Restate your view in the end too.
coherence
Use more link words to show how ideas fit: first, also, but, so, as a result.
content
Add better proof for each point. Explain how the example shows the idea.
language
Fix grammar and spelling. Use simple words. Check subject-verb and plural.
task response
The stance is clear early in the essay.
content
Examples are used to support points.
coherence
There is a simple order and the paragraphs are easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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