IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Due to availability of fast food nowadays, many people have low-quality diets. What problem can this cause? What can governments do to resolve these problems?

In recent years, the widespread availability of processed
food
Use synonyms
 has significantly influenced people’s eating habits, often leading to unhealthy diets.
This
Linking Words
 causes severe difficulties among children and society, but
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 can play a vital role in addressing these issues. On one hand, one major consequence of
overconsumption
Correct article usage
the overconsumption
show examples
 of junk
food
Use synonyms
 is its detrimental impact on public health. Consuming
high in fat
Use the right word
high-fat
show examples
, sugar, and
salt containing
Use the right word
salt-containing
show examples
 meals
elevate
Correct subject-verb agreement
elevates
show examples
 the risk of obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease. As these conditions become more prevalent, healthcare systems face additional strain
due to
Linking Words
 rising medical costs and higher demand for treatment.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, individuals suffering from diet-related illness may experience reduced productivity and lower quality of life, which can indirectly affect economic growth. To tackle these problems,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 can implement various measures.
Firstly
Linking Words
, stricter regulations on ready-to-eat foods advertising, especially those targeting children, could help reduce unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 consumption.
Secondly
Linking Words
, imposing high taxes on high-calorie, sugary or processed
food
Use synonyms
 would discourage frequent purchases,
while
Linking Words
 generating revenue for health initiatives.
Thirdly
Linking Words
, in charge officials can
subsidize
Change the spelling
subsidise
show examples
 fresh fruits, vegetables, and nuts to
induce
Verb problem
make them
show examples
 more affordable and
inducible
Correct word choice
accessible
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, public awareness campaigns and school-based nutrition programs could educate citizens about the long-term benefits of balanced diets. To summarize it, the growing dependence on takeout foods contributes to severe health and economic conditions.
However
Linking Words
, by regulating convenience
food
Use synonyms
 advertise, encouraging healthier alternatives, and promoting education, officers can reduce the impact of imbalances diets on society.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Task response: The essay talks about the problem and ways the government can help, which is good. It would be stronger if you give clear and full points for both the problem and the solution parts, and give exact details or examples to back up ideas.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The flow is good in places, but some parts feel not joined well. Use clear topic sentences and linking words to move from one idea to the next, and keep a steady form of writing.
purpose
Clear plan to discuss a problem and how to fix it.
structure
Introduction and conclusion show the big ideas.
development
Some good links inside paragraphs and a simple flow of ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: