IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people contend that
drama
Use synonyms
,
art
Use synonyms
 and
music
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classes
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 are very crucial at
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
show examples
 level, along
all
Change preposition
with all
show examples
 other
school
Use synonyms
 subjects
such
Linking Words
 as numeracy, science, humanities, and history. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion, and
this
Linking Words
 essay will argue how
drama
Use synonyms
,
art
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 and
music
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 enhance various
professionals
Check wording
professionals'
show examples
 awareness and develop collaborative skills among primary
Use synonyms
school going
Use the right word
school-going
show examples
 children. My primary concern with
this
Linking Words
 opinion is that
music
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,
art
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 and
drama
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classes
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 support
students
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 to find and select their interesting fields. At
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
show examples
 level,
for instance
Linking Words
, some
students
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who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
may not be interested in science or history books.
Such
Linking Words
students
Use synonyms
 can either be more involved in artwork, or can be indulged
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the acting or singing fields. If they do use their creative skills under a qualified teaching professional, they will
be benefited
Wrong verb form
benefit
show examples
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
from this
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
in
Change preposition
throughout
show examples
 their whole life, as they can continue
this
Linking Words
 as their
desire
Replace the word
desired
show examples
 profession in future.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
, acting,
music
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 and
art
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 fields increase
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students
Check wording
students'
show examples
 group work participation. At
early
Correct article usage
the early
show examples
school
Use synonyms
 learning stage, sometimes,
students
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 face difficulties in making friends.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they may face anxiety or stress of being alone. I presume that because of
drama
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 and
music
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Use synonyms
classes
Add a comma
classes,
show examples
 a group of
students
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 work together on their
music
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 or
drama
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 projects;
hence
Linking Words
, they become less isolated.
This
Linking Words
 collaboration skill will not only improve their mental health but
also
Linking Words
 support them in future in performing group work tasks. In conclusion, I completely agree that children at primary
school
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 must be enrolled in
art
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,
music
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 and
drama
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classes
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 to ensure that they are aware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 all careers.
Additionally
Linking Words
, they are becoming more
socialise
Wrong verb form
socialised
show examples
being
Change preposition
by being
show examples
 part of
drama
Use synonyms
 and
music
Use synonyms
 clubs.

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content
Make your view clear at the start and end. Restate your main point in the conclusion.
examples
Give one clear example for each reason and keep it simple.
structure
Use easy link words to connect ideas and start each paragraph with a topic line.
grammar
Check small grammar mistakes to make the read easy.
content
Your clear view is seen and kept through the essay.
content
You try to show how drama and art help kids at school.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • fostering
  • emotional intelligence
  • problem-solving skills
  • cultural awareness
  • curriculum
  • engaging
  • memorable
  • nurture
  • talents
  • core subjects
  • academic
  • professional success
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