IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

“Some people believe that technology has made people more social. Others think it has made people less social. To what extent do you agree or disagree?”

Whilst some
people
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 think that
technology
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 makes
people
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 social, some argue that it's the opposite. I firmly believe that
technology
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 makes
people
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 less social and more isolated, because social
media
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 and gaming
apps
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 seem more interesting
rather
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apply
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than engaging in the outside world.  One of the reasons that
people
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, especially young
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people
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people,
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 become more closed off and less social is because of social
media
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. With the
wide-spread
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widespread
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of
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use of
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 videos and reels online,
people
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 find it more engrossing rather than going outside and finding new friends.
While
Linking Words
 social
media
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 provides different
contents
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content
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, it
also
Linking Words
 gives an opportunity for
people
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 to engage in different communities online and assists them
to have
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in having
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 different relationships even if it's long-distance. One of the obvious examples is
discord
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Discord
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,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 brings different
people
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 from various backgrounds to talk about their shared interests.
Secondly
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, gaming
apps
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 since with the development of
technology
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there
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, there
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 are many different
apps
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 out there in
platform
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platforms
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. And
people
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, specifically kids, spend most of their
time
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 playing those gaming
apps
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.
Therefore
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, they don't even think about spending their
time
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outside
Punctuation problem
outside,
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 even thinking about making friends in real life.
For instance
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,
roblox
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Roblox
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 would be an amazing example of how kids spend
their
Change the pronoun
the
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 majority of their
time
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 playing different
games
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 and creating
games
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while
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 talking to
people
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 online.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 leads them to be more socially closed and asocial outside of the
games
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. In conclusion, there is a debate going on
whether
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about whether
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technology
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 makes
people
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 less social or not. I strongly believe that it does, because
instead
Linking Words
 of spending
time
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 outside and having friends in real life,
people
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 prefer online
games
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 and social
media
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.

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task response
Your answer shows a clear view on the topic, but it can be made stronger by giving a short plan in the intro and sticking to it.
task response
Explain both sides a bit more and add a short counter-argument and link it back to your view.
coherence
Put each main idea in its own paragraph with one clear point. Use simple links to flow from one idea to the next.
language
Check small grammar and make sure each sentence is easy to read. Use short, direct sentences.
language
Use more real life examples, not only apps or games. Show how tech can help people meet in real life too.
task response
The writer has a clear position on the topic.
coherence
The essay adds some examples from online platforms.
language
There are ideas linked with simple connectors.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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