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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is argued by some that parents should teach their
children
Use synonyms
 how to become
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
individual
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individuals
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 in society.
In contrast
Linking Words
, some people think that
children
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 can learn all
this
Linking Words
 from
schools
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school
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
children
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 learn more from their
parent's
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parents'
show examples
 practical
actions
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, I believe that schools offer more planned activities which are beneficial
for long-term
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in the long term
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
children
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 follow their
parent's
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parents'
show examples
 footsteps quickly. When parents do charitable work, offer food to neighbours, communicate nicely
to
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with
show examples
 each other, and follow basic eating manners.
Children
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 look at these
actions
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 and try to follow them.
For instance
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, a child sitting
on
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at
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 the
dinning
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dining
 table
,
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apply
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 performs the same eating habits and interactions
,
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apply
show examples
 which he/she sees. I,
however
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, believe that often parents love
a lot to their
Correct word order
their children a lot
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children
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 and let them free to do what they want.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, school
curriculam's
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curricula
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 are
desigend
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designed
 in
such
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 a way to ensure that students learn more
of
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apply
show examples
social
skills
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. To illustrate,
children
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 learn time management
skills
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 by attending lectures on time, teacher
existence
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presence
show examples
 enables
children
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 to follow basic communication norms
such
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 as saying hi, sorry, or by in their daily
reoutines
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routines
.
As a result
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,
children
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also
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 follow these norms at home and
with
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in
show examples
 their other interactions. I believe that when
children
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 actually
follows
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follow
show examples
 social
skills
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everyday
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every day
,
this
Linking Words
 is going to be more beneficial in long-run.
Conclusion
In conclusion, some believe that
parent's
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parents'
show examples
actions
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 ultimatley effect on
children
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 how to behave within society.
In contrast
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, I presume that
children
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leare
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learn
 more in schools because
students
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students'
show examples
actions
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 are
monitered
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monitored
 by teachers to ensure that they act upon social
skills
Use synonyms
.

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task response
You discuss both parents and schools, and you give a clear view. To make your ideas stronger, explain more clearly why school help lasts for a long time. Add one full example of a school task, such as group work, helping other students, or class rules.
task response
Your point about parents is useful, but the last idea is not fully clear: “parents love a lot to their children and let them free”. Explain how this may stop children from learning rules, or remove it and add a clearer reason.
task response
Make sure each main point answers the question about being good members of society. Link eating habits to wider social behavior, such as respect, sharing, helping, and kind speech.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, parents, schools, and end. Keep this shape, but make the first sentence of each body part state one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long or incomplete. For example, the sentence starting “When parents do charitable work...” needs a main ending, such as “their children often copy this behavior.” Shorter sentences will make your meaning easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. “For example”, “as a result”, and “in contrast” are helpful, but make sure the next sentence clearly follows the one before it. In the school paragraph, move from school rules to the result in a direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for the main people and ideas. Choose “parents”, “children”, and “social skills” and use them through the essay. This will make the links between sentences clearer.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and clearly say that schools are more helpful in your view.
task response
Your examples of kind behavior at home and rules at school are linked to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The order of your ideas is easy to understand, with one paragraph for each view.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion returns to both views and gives your own view again.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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