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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the bar chart shows an academic staff by gender ,2008 with particularly different directions.

the bar chart shows an academic staff by gender ,2008 with particularly different directions.
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of academic
staff
Use synonyms
 by gender across seven different fields in 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, the bar chart shows the percentage of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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women in Art/History/Medicine
were
Verb problem
apply
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increased ,
while
Linking Words
indicator
Check wording
the percentage
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 of men
were
Verb problem
apply
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decreased . The percentage of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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men in Astronomy/Engineering/Law/Science
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 increased when the women had declined . The greatest gender disparity is seen in Engineering, where
males
Use synonyms
 comprise 90% of the
staff
Use synonyms
 compared to only 10%
females
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , the Arts and History fields
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 a female majority. Arts has about 55% female
staff
Use synonyms
 and 45%
males
Use synonyms
. History is the most dominated
gender is
Verb problem
by
show examples
 the female it was 75%
while
Linking Words
males
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 35%. Medicine is relatively balanced with
females
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
males
Punctuation problem
males,
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 it was about 50% / In Law, male academic
staff
Use synonyms
boosts
Verb problem
outnumber
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females
Use synonyms
, it was 60%
males
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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 was 40%.Astronomy
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
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also
Linking Words
 had a 24% difference between
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
.
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
.
Similarly
Linking Words
, Science and astronomy have
significant
Replace the word
significantly
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 more male
staff
Use synonyms
 , with approximately 65% and 65% respectively ,
while
Linking Words
 female representation is lower in these areas.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 67%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words staff, males, females with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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