IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The amount of time spent on sport and exercise should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children? Do you think this the best way to deal with the problem? What other solutions can you suggest?

? Society has changed a lot in recent years , especially for
children
Use synonyms
 . Nowadays, there is a huge increase in the number of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 .
Schools
Use synonyms
 must spend more
time
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 and exercise .
This
Linking Words
 essay will explain do I think
this
Linking Words
the
Verb problem
is the
show examples
 best way to deal with the problem and what other solutions
can I
Correct word order
I can
show examples
 suggest .
Schools
Use synonyms
 should increase the
time
Use synonyms
 for
sports
Use synonyms
 and exercise . I believe
this
Linking Words
 is the best way to deal with the issue of obesity.
First,
Linking Words
since
students
Use synonyms
 spend most of their day at school, it is the best place to ensure they get enough exercise. Many
children
Use synonyms
 return home tired and prefer to sit or use devices
instead
Linking Words
 of doing
sports
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, if
schools
Use synonyms
 increase the
time
Use synonyms
 for
sports
Use synonyms
,
students
Use synonyms
 will be more active . Second , doing
sports
Use synonyms
 at school helps
students
Use synonyms
 practice teamwork and social skills.
Also
Linking Words
 , they can support each
others
Fix the agreement mistake
other
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they will help others
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 in the right way .
Finally
Linking Words
 , some
schools
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do
Verb problem
hold
show examples
Sports
Use synonyms
 competitions.
As a result
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 will be excited and active .
Also
Linking Words
 , it can improve their health
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they can lose weight . There are multiple solutions for overweight
children
Use synonyms
 . First , healthy food may be the best choice .
This
Linking Words
 is because many studies show that food
has
Verb problem
plays
show examples
vital
Correct article usage
a vital
show examples
 role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 losing weight .
For example
Linking Words
 , Foods that contain a high amount of
fiber
Change the spelling
fibre
show examples
 and protein can enhance the digestion process. Second ,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should raise
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 awareness about problems
cause
Replace the word
caused
show examples
 by
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
 .
Also
Linking Words
 , it should reduce junk food .
In addition
Linking Words
, it must set strong rules for the sale of fast foods and soft drinks .
Finally
Linking Words
 , parents should reduce the
time
Use synonyms
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
show examples
 on devices .
However
Linking Words
 , spending a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 on devices
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 lazy and nervous .
Furthermore
Linking Words
 , it can lead to many physical and mental problems . Sometimes, it can cause depression and obesity. In conclusion , increasing the
time
Use synonyms
 for
sports
Use synonyms
 at school is essential to improve health and deal with overweight
children
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there are
also
Linking Words
 several excellent solutions to deal with
this
Linking Words
 problem.

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content
Make a clear plan in the intro: say your view and what you will discuss.
content
Give 2-3 strong ideas with simple examples to back them up.
structure
Link ideas with easy words like also, but, for example to show flow.
language
Check grammar and spelling so ideas are easy to read.
content
The essay stays on the topic and shows a view.
content
Some good ideas on sport time and other fixes.
structure
There is a final part that repeats the main idea.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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