IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays children watch much more television than they did in the past and spend less time being active or creative. What is the reason for this? What measures should be taken to encourage children to be more active?

Today,
children
Use synonyms
 spend a lot of their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 watching
television
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 in turn, they are much more sedentary and less creative. The reasons behind that problem are two
;
Punctuation problem
:
show examples
 the addictive factor of the
television
Use synonyms
 and the
responsability
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 of the
parents
Use synonyms
. Fortunately, there are many steps that
parents
Use synonyms
 can take to enhance
Use synonyms
children’s
Correct pronoun usage
their children’s
show examples
 lifestyle. In
this
Linking Words
 essay,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 will develop and explain the previous points.
Firstly
Linking Words
, experts have studied the damage caused by spending long hours in front of the
television
Use synonyms
. In early ages, when toddlers and kids begin to create habits and personality patterns, exposing them
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the screen for too long can cause them addiction and attention problems.
This
Linking Words
 is because
children
Use synonyms
 get used to waste their
time
Use synonyms
 watching TV,
while
Linking Words
 their attention and senses are satisfied with uninterrupted overstimulation.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the role of
parents
Use synonyms
 is extremely important as well, when it comes to
educate
Wrong verb form
educating
show examples
 and
motivate
Wrong verb form
motivating
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
. A study conducted by the Ministry of Childhood showed that
children
Use synonyms
 with absent
parents
Use synonyms
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
 three times as likely to develop addiction and dependence on
television
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 regard, if
parents
Use synonyms
 don't have enough
time
Use synonyms
 to spend with their
children
Use synonyms
, they can teach them other ways to entertain themselves, where they have fun and at the same
time
Use synonyms
 develop their cognitive skills.
For example
Linking Words
, activities
such
Linking Words
 as painting, dancing or playing an instrument can provide great benefits for
children
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
,
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 who are worried about
leave
Wrong verb form
leaving
show examples
 their sons alone at home
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can bring them to workshops and
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 activities, where they are supervised and share with other
children
Use synonyms
, among
Punctuation problem
. Among
show examples
 the most popular hobbies are soccer, basketball and chess.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
television
Use synonyms
, since it is a stimulating and reliable device for
parents
Use synonyms
, causes a lot of dependence and addiction in many
children
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, responsible
parents
Use synonyms
 who are short on
time
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 should encourage their
children
Use synonyms
 to spend their
time
Use synonyms
 with healthier and more challenging activities.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 can take them to places where they'll be safe and have fun with other
children
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Plan your essay. Put one main idea per paragraph and a short plan at the start.
language
Keep ideas simple and clear. Use short sentences.
content
Explain each point with a clear link to the question. Show how to fix the problem.
content
Use everyday examples from life or school to back points.
conclusion
Finish with a short, strong conclusion that repeats the answer.
structure
There is an intro and a conclusion.
content
Two clear ideas are given about why TV use grows.
cohesion
Some link words are used (firstly, secondly).

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: