IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number,...) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

These days, it is a common trend for individuals to put their personal details,
such
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 as address, phone number or others on the internet. Some people think that it can lead to some downsides,
while
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 others believe it offers numerous pluses. From my view, despite some minuses related to cloud services, there are actually more benefits in
this
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 statement. On the one hand, moving personal
information
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 has several negative impacts
,
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apply
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 that should be accounted
.
Change preposition
for.
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 One of the primary concerns is the database that collects and stores data, which is not fully secure.
Therefore
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, personal data on the internet can be stolen easily by hackers through a variety of ways
,
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. As
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as a result
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, not only does it cause property damage to
customers
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, but it may
also
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 create some problems for famous individuals. A bank,
for instance
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, saves a huge amount of money, and suddenly the security system is hacked and all the money is stolen by cybercriminals. Another downside is that online users often experience significant eye strain problems, because of using these,
due to
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 having to manage bank accounts, shop on multiple websites and keep in touch with friends. Proponents of people who advocate the pluses of
this
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 statement, and I
also
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 believe that online services can bring more benefits. The first advantage is updating personal
information
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 online is that it helps
customers
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 have more opportunities. Online shopping , as an example, with
information
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 registered online,
customers
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 can quickly make online purchases more comfortably by putting their data on the platform.
Moreover
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, suppliers in their businesses aim to increase the shoppers’ convenient shopping experience, which helps them feel easy in the exchange, because the
customers
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 can remember their interests and provide more suitable items to them.
To sum up
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,
although
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customers
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 may face some risks,
such
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 as storing
information
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 online is an inevitable trend and will become more and more convenient for us. Personally, I believe that in the digital era,
information
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 storage on the internet can have some detrimental effects, but its convenience and advantages are more significant for both
customers
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 and suppliers.

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task
State your view clearly in the first paragraph and keep it as your main line.
task
Give one or two main ideas and explain them with simple examples.
coherence
Use one idea per paragraph and keep your ideas in a clear order.
coherence
Use simple linking words like and, but, so, also, for example, first, next, then.
language
Check easy grammar and spelling; use plain words that are common.
strength
The essay tries to show both sides of the issue.
strength
Clear use of 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' as links.
strength
Some good examples are used, like banks and online shopping.
strength
Conclusion shows the writer's view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Personal information
  • Online privacy
  • Security concerns
  • Identity theft
  • Enhanced connectivity
  • Convenient access
  • Social networks
  • Banking purposes
  • Positive development
  • Negative impact
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