IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

These days, we can observe a lot of advances in
technology
Use synonyms
. One of the essential things that has
invented
Verb problem
been invented
show examples
 recently
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 is
Use synonyms
smartphone
Correct article usage
the smartphone
show examples
. It can be seen that some
children
Use synonyms
have tended
Wrong verb form
tend
show examples
 to use these gadgets a lot during their days. There are several reasons for that, and what I believe is that it can be very harmful for them. I am going to elaborate on
this
Linking Words
 in the following. On the one hand,
children
Use synonyms
 prefer to use smartphones every day because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 them to meet most of their needs.
Smartphone
Use synonyms
technology
Use synonyms
 has provided an online world.
Therefore
Linking Words
, all the
people
Punctuation problem
people,
show examples
 especially
Use synonyms
children
Punctuation problem
children,
show examples
 try to be connected with that to stay updated. In
this
Linking Words
 way, they can find a lot of knowledge and information, they can be in touch with their friends and play games.
Moreover
Linking Words
, using different appliances which are equipped with
technology
Use synonyms
 is really important for them because they look rich and
high class
Use the right word
high-class
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, they make their effort to receive them from their parents and show
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
 their peers.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, excessive
utilizing
Check wording
use
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 can affect their health. Sore
eye
Fix the agreement mistake
eyes
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 one of the effects of spending too much time on digital screens.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 activity is really addictive for
children
Use synonyms
. They plan to repeat it more and more every day.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they cannot focus on their studies, they become more carefree people, and
not
Verb problem
do not
show examples
 pay enough attention to their parents and
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
 advice. These bad
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
put
Verb problem
leave
show examples
 them
left
Verb problem
apply
show examples
behind, and they will not become successful in academic lessons. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
technology
Use synonyms
 has improved our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 to have enough access to
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 and
Use synonyms
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
,
children
Use synonyms
 should be aware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
show examples
 of
unusual
Correct word choice
excessive
show examples
 use. I recommend that parents determine a limited time for
children
Use synonyms
 by persuading them to other recreational activities.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

content
You have a good plan and you show a view that phones can harm. To grow, add more detail for each point and keep a clear link between ideas.
language
Fix grammar. Some word pairs and verb forms are not right. Use simple, clear sentences.
structure
Use a clear topic sentence in each paragraph. Keep one main idea in each paragraph.
examples
Give more specific examples. This will make your point strong.
conclusion
End by restating your view in one sentence.
content
The essay shows that phones can be harmful to children.
structure
It uses 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' to show two sides.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: