IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for hte growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved?

Nowadays the society is very diversified
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 either
people
Use synonyms
 may be starving themselves to get an attractive body, but
on the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 the number of
being
Verb problem
people who are
show examples
 overweight is
also
Linking Words
 increasing,
and lead
Wrong verb form
leading
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the number of
people
Use synonyms
 who are at risk of serious health problems.
At
Change preposition
In
show examples
this
Linking Words
fast paced
Use the right word
fast-paced
show examples
 world,
stress
Use synonyms
 may be a prominent factor
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 leading to eating
Check wording
indulgence
show examples
inducement
Punctuation problem
inducement,
show examples
thus
Linking Words
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 overeating
Punctuation problem
, that
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
 and
result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
show examples
 in serious health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
. There may be different kinds of stressors, like
work
Use synonyms
, family, study, finance and relationships.
People
Use synonyms
 are not having
work
Use synonyms
-life balance because the
work
Use synonyms
 is too stressful and demands much care, effort
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 overworkload
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 very common. Snacks are
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 convenient
ways
Fix the agreement mistake
way
show examples
 to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem, to
east
Use the right word
ease
show examples
 the
stress
Use synonyms
 and be more fun to be at
work
Use synonyms
 or study during
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
long time boring
work
Use synonyms
. To solve
this
Linking Words
 problem, it is crucial to have a good
work
Use synonyms
-life balance. Snacks could be taken, but
disicple
Correct your spelling
discipline
 has to be implemented. And as
stress
Use synonyms
 is the main focus, meditation or deep
breath
Fix the agreement mistake
breaths
show examples
 are encouraged to refresh the mind and to uplift
spirit
Correct article usage
the spirit
show examples
, and workers may fully
utilize
Change the spelling
utilise
show examples
 their lunch time or toilet breaks for a stretch with a deep breath, or a short walk or sleep
instead
Linking Words
 of focusing on their mobile phones.
Secondly
Linking Words
, some may lack motivation for exercise and
too
Verb problem
be too
show examples
 lazy for workouts, and they are too busy being addicted to the
internets
Fix the agreement mistake
internet
show examples
,
browing
Correct your spelling
browsing
 different social
medias
Fix the agreement mistake
media
show examples
. For
such
Linking Words
 group discipline is
also
Linking Words
 recommended to build a healthy lifestyle, eating less on the couch
while
Linking Words
browing
Correct your spelling
browsing
 the
internets
Fix the agreement mistake
internet
show examples
, and
go
Wrong verb form
going
show examples
 out more for fresh air. They are
also
Linking Words
 encouraged to take some sport classes or get some friends to increase their motivation for exercising, when someone would monitor and accompany them for exercising
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 they would have more fun interacting with
people
Use synonyms
, or they can
also
Linking Words
 join some clubs to exercise alone if they are shy to
work
Use synonyms
 out with others. For the above problems, they should know and acknowledge their problems first and
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
set goals
accordingly
Linking Words
 to solve
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, a
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
work
Use synonyms
-life balance with a healthy mindset and living style
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 crucial to build a healthy body, with discipline and determination to eat less, and get friends or classes for exercising, and find their ways of relieving
stress
Use synonyms
.

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structure
Plan your answer with clear parts: cause and fix. Each paragraph should have one main idea.
content
Use a short, clear intro and a clear conclusion that matches your main points.
language
Write with simple, short sentences. Check grammar and spelling.
content
Give real or concrete examples to back up claims, like numbers or facts.
cohesion
Use linking words to show how ideas fit together.
content
The essay shows a good attempt to discuss both causes and remedies.
structure
There is a clear conclusion signal 'To conclude' and a final message about balance.
ideas
Some good ideas about stress, work life and exercise.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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