IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

‏In many countries the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How Can we deal with those Cause?

Crime
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 is an action that has negative consequences on the economy. Lately, some countries
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been experiencing an increase in the
crime
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rate
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. I strongly believe that it is because of unemployment issues , bad
schools
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 and bad peer
pressure
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 in the economy. There are several reasons why
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
crime
Use synonyms
rate
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 will increase in
Use synonyms
country
Correct article usage
a country
show examples
. One of the major reasons is the lack of money and unemployment. The lack of money and
employment
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opportunities
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 can push
people
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 to commit a
crime
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.
For example
Linking Words
;
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 when a person
receive
Correct subject-verb agreement
receives
show examples
 little pay or does not have a job
they
Punctuation problem
, they
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 might commit a
crime
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such
Linking Words
 as stealing in order to survive.
This
Linking Words
 shows how
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crime
Correct article usage
the crime
show examples
rate
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 is increasing in some countries. To address
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
this,
show examples
 the government should adopt policies that
ensures
Correct subject-verb agreement
ensure
show examples
 that
people
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 are paid properly and create more
employment
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opportunities
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. Another major reason is the establishment of bad
schools
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 in the
country
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. Children learning negative attitudes and behaviours from their
schools
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 or homes might
make
Verb problem
lead
show examples
 them to commit a
crime
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.
For instance
Linking Words
: if
child
Correct article usage
a child
show examples
 sees his parents stealing from a bank, he might start stealing because he has seen his parents doing
it
Punctuation problem
it,
show examples
 thereby increasing the
crime
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rate
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 in the
country
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.
Similarly
Linking Words
, if a teacher continues to encourage a student to cheat in an exam rather than correct him or her. It will enable them to commit worse crimes in the future. To prevent
this
Linking Words
 issue, the government should ensure that the
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 established have a good moral understanding
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the principles and values of the
country
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.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the pull of bad friends, alcohol and
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 area can push a person to commit a
crime
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.
For example
Linking Words
, a person is hanging out with a gang of thieves
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
Due to
Linking Words
 the
pressure
Use synonyms
 from them or longing to be like them, the individual will want to commit a
crime
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. The best way to prevent
this
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 is to set up programs and workshops that
teaches
Correct subject-verb agreement
teach
show examples
people
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 about the principles and values of the
country
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, what is good and bad, and the effect
bad
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of bad
show examples
peers
Fix the agreement mistake
peer
show examples
pressure
Use synonyms
 on their lives. In conclusion, I strongly believe the lack of money,
employment
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opportunities
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, bad
schools
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, and bad peer
pressure
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 are the main causes of the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
crime
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rate
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 in the
country
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.
However
Linking Words
, with the right solutions
such
Linking Words
 as adopting
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
policies to ensure
people
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 are paid fairly , creation of
employment
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opportunities
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, establishment of better
schools
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 and workshops to promote mental health, I believe that the
crime
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rate
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the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
country
Use synonyms
 will be reduced drastically

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language
Use short, clear sentences. Check for grammar mistakes like subject-verb and tense.
structure
Have a strong start. In the intro, name the three causes and say you will talk about them and how to fix them.
coherence
Each paragraph should start with a clear idea. Keep ideas in a logical order.
examples
Give real and specific examples for each cause and explain how the fix will help.
structure
End with a short conclusion that restates the causes and the fixes.
content
The essay lists main causes clearly: money, schools, and peer pressure.
structure
It gives some good ideas for fixes like more jobs and better schools.
coherence
There is some use of linking words like 'Additionally' and 'For example'.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • crime
  • cause
  • reason
  • rise
  • increase
  • money
  • job
  • work
  • pay
  • poor
  • low income
  • area
  • neighborhood
  • school
  • home
  • family
  • friends
  • learn
  • study
  • police
  • law
  • plan
  • fix
  • solve
  • program
  • help
  • support
  • community
  • young
  • people
  • sport
  • art
  • chance
  • future
  • hope
  • idea
  • time
  • together
  • city
  • prevent
  • safe
  • better
  • change
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