IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants.

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants.
The pie chart presents the proportion of the adult education centre visitors categorised by age,
while
Linking Words
 the bar figure displays the popularity of different clubs among
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, the language course was the highest attended course for
women
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, more
men
Use synonyms
 chose painting classes. These two groups, the majority of
them
Correct pronoun usage
whom
show examples
 were elderly (50 or more). Language classes appeared to have the highest share of
women
Use synonyms
 , with 40
women
Use synonyms
 ,
whereas
Linking Words
 only 20
men
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, for painting , more
men
Use synonyms
 chose it (30)
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
also
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 (25). For the drama club, the
men
Use synonyms
 participants were 20 and the female participants were half the males.
Lastly
Linking Words
, sculpture , which is the least popular, has 10 males and only 5 females. The elderly people were the largest group attending
this
Linking Words
 centre, accounting for 42% followed next people between 40-49 years old ( 26%).
Then
Linking Words
, adults (30-39) and (20-29) with 16%,11% respectively.
Lastly
Linking Words
, young people were the lowest (5%)

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "lastly".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
▼
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • attendance
  • participant
  • adult education
  • distribution
  • proportion
  • engaged
  • trend
  • mid-career
  • popularity
  • speculate
  • job-oriented
  • creative courses
  • leisure aspect
  • enroll
  • correlation
  • inclined
  • career-oriented
  • hobby-related
  • literacy
  • technical skills
What to do next:
Look at other essays: