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Band 5.5

The rise of social media has affected personal relationships and society as a whole. Do the advantages of using social media for communication outweigh the disadvatages?

It cannot be denied that social
media
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 has shifted the way
people
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 connect with each other and interact within society.
Although
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this
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 development brings some advantages, it
also
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 carries significant risks. In my opinion, the potential benefits of social
media
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 in terms of communication outweigh the disadvantages. One major advantage of using social
media
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 lies in improving connections with others
regardless
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, regardless
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 of the distance.
People
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 can easily stay in touch with their family members
of
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or
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 friends who live overseas through messaging or video platforms.
This
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 allows
people
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 in
long-distances
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long-distance
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 relationships to communicate frequently, maintaining emotional closeness despite being physically apart.
Moreover
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, online social networks
also
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helps
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help
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people
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 raise awareness of global issues
oand
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and
 provide support for those affected by problems
such
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 as genocide, poverty, or natural disasters.
On the other hand
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, the widespread use of social
media
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 has raised concerns about privacy and data security. When users unknowingly share personal details, these can be misused by cybercriminals and lead to identity theft.
According to
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 a recent survey, about 37% of elderly users have been scammed through convincing fake messages.
In addition
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, social networking services potentially harm mental well-being through cyberbullying. Anonymous accounts can post malicious comments, spread hatred, and threaten others, causing certain individuals to feel anxious and stressed. In conclusion, engaging in social
media
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 has adverse effects, particularly concerning personal security and cyberbullying.
However
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, the advantages of building strong relationships, breaking down communication barriers, and increasing global awareness and support clearly outweigh these drawbacks, as long as it is used wisely.

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general
Use more clear and simple words to express ideas.
cohesion
Link ideas with easy joins like and, but, also, for example, and add simple transitions between paragraphs.
development
Give strong, simple examples that fit each point and avoid facts that are not needed.
accuracy
Check spelling and grammar in each paragraph so meaning is clear.
task style
The opinion is clear and the topic is kept.
structure
There are both sides shown with some balance.
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