IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree?

In current society, there has been a debate
whether
Change preposition
about whether
show examples
 or not scientists and
technology
Use synonyms
 experts have a higher
value
Use synonyms
 than
musicians
Use synonyms
 and
artists
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.
However
Linking Words
, to respond to
this
Linking Words
 confusion, human
value
Use synonyms
 is not supposed to be measured by occupation
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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therefore
Linking Words
 people cannot judge and compare each other's
value
Use synonyms
 from the title they have.
Instead
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, every job has its own
value
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that is
Linking Words
 incomparable.
In addition
Linking Words
, every person
also
Linking Words
 has their own
talents
Use synonyms
 and capabilities that should become an aspect to complement rather than to compete with each other. Each section of
industries
Fix the agreement mistake
industry
show examples
 has its own
value
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 that brings different benefits to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it becomes a supporting ecosystem to one
and
Correct word choice
apply
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another that plays the same role.
Technology
Use synonyms
 experts cannot sell their
tech savvy
Use the right word
tech-savvy
show examples
 product if there are no entertainment aspects in it, which is supported by the
musicians
Use synonyms
 and
artists
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
musicians
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 and
artists
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 cannot easily
perform
Verb problem
showcase
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 their
talents
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in
Change preposition
on
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 social media if
technology
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 experts do not exist.
In addition
Linking Words
, scientists will not create a relatable theory if it is not connected with creative aspects, which
is
Verb problem
apply
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can only be felt in
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
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 created by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
musicians
Use synonyms
 and
artists
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. Those examples above are
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
legitimate proof that each sector of
industries
Fix the agreement mistake
industry
show examples
 is incomparable
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
instead
Add a comma
instead,
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 they
connected
Verb problem
are connected
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 to each
other
Punctuation problem
other,
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becomes
Verb problem
creating
show examples
 a great puzzle that
creates
Verb problem
forms
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 a
mutualism
Replace the word
mutualistic
show examples
 ecosystem. Another reason why those occupations are incomparable is
because
Change preposition
that
show examples
 each person is born with different
talents
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
Linking Words
therefore
Punctuation problem
therefore,
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 occupations cannot be used as a basis to measure people’s
value
Use synonyms
.
Talents
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 are something that counts as a grace that has been given since birth. If someone is born with music, they cannot be forced to master
technology
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 and vice versa. Since that, it is unfair to
criticize
Change the spelling
criticise
show examples
 people’s worth with the things they do. Ultimately, the argument on measuring people’s worth
by
Verb problem
is measured by
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 their occupation is not something that can be accepted as a fair statement.
This
Linking Words
 unfairness is supported by two reasons, first because each job has its own
value
Use synonyms
 that
complement
Correct subject-verb agreement
complements
show examples
 and
synergize
Verb problem
synergises
show examples
 as a positive cycle.
Secondly
Linking Words
, each person is born with specific and unique
talents
Use synonyms
 of their own that make them worth it as a human being
just
Punctuation problem
, just
show examples
 as they are and is not something to compete with.

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task response
Be clear on your view at the start and restate it at the end. This makes task response strong.
coherence cohesion
Organize ideas in a clean order. Use one main idea per paragraph and link them with simple words such as and, but, also, so.
task response
You show that all jobs have value and that they work together.
coherence cohesion
You use linking words to show how ideas fit.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • valued
  • modern society
  • scientists
  • technology experts
  • musicians
  • artists
  • reliance
  • scientific advancements
  • practical benefits
  • driving economic growth
  • daily lives
  • culture
  • human emotions
  • express ideas
  • provoke thought
  • spiritual well-being
  • emotional well-being
  • preserving cultural heritage
  • subjective nature
  • diversity
What to do next:
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