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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, women no longer feel the need to get married. Some people believe that this is because women are able to earn their own income and therefore do not require the financial security that marriage can bring. To what extent do you agree?

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In recent
decades
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decades,
show examples
marriage
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 has been put on the back burner for many
women
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. It is now viewed as less of a necessity and more of a desire.
While
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 some people think it is because
women
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 are able to earn their own income, I believe it is only a single factor. Henceforth, I partially agree. I disagree with the mainstream idea on why
women
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 may delay or even reject
marriage
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 nowadays. It is not solely based on financial freedom. Naturally,
this
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 newfound independence has raised multiple other requirements to the surface.
For example
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,
women
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 may now look for someone who emotionally supports them
instead
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. One could argue that qualities
such
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 as humour, kindness and understanding of one another are far greater than materialistic provision.
Moreover
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, these needs have always been present, but were unfortunately disregarded in the past.
Therefore
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, financial independence is not the only cause for
women
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's hesitation towards
marriage
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. What's more,
two income
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two-income
 homes are generally much happier. Neither partner feels overworked
due to
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 the shared responsibilities of the household.
Additionally
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,
increased
Correct article usage
an increased
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 influx of money unlocks opportunities that were
otherwise
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 unattainable.
For instance
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, couples would be able to travel more,
as well as
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 give
each-other
Correct your spelling
each other
 valuable gifts.
Thus
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, strengthening their bond and connection through meaningful experiences.
Not to mention
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,
women
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's confidence
as a result
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 of their career reflects positively on their character. Their partners can now rest assured that they are with them for profound reasons rather than shallow ones. In conclusion, I partially agree with the aforementioned statement.
However
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,
It
Fix capitalization
it
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 is only the tip of an enormous iceberg. A
life altering
Correct your spelling
life-altering
 decision
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as
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marriage
Punctuation problem
marriage,
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 should not be entirely boiled down to financial needs.

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task response
For task response, give a more direct answer to 'to what extent' and keep this view clear in all body parts.
task response
For task response, add one more clear reason about why women may not want marriage, such as life goals or social change.
task response
For task response, use examples that feel more real and closer to the question. The gift and travel idea is a bit weak for this topic.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, but the second body part moves a bit away from the main question.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, link ideas more smoothly. Some lines jump fast from one point to another.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, make sure each body paragraph has one main idea only, then explain it fully.
task response
For task response, you answer the question and show a clear position: you partly agree.
task response
For task response, you give a good main idea that money is not the only reason and that emotional support matters too.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, the essay has a clear introduction and a clear conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, most paragraphs follow a logical order.
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