IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

More and more young children have mobile phones. Some people say it is good thing for them, while others say it is bad things. What is your own opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is becoming increasingly common for youngsters to have
Use synonyms
phone
Correct article usage
a phone
show examples
. Some people believe it will bring positive effects for children. In fact, I side with those who believe providing children with a
phone
Use synonyms
 can bring negative effects for two main reasons.
Firstly
Linking Words
, providing children with phones can cause addiction. They can get unlimited access to the world and games. They will find it exciting as they can
use scrolling
Wrong verb form
scroll
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to
Change preposition
through
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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social media and
playing
Wrong verb form
play
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 various games. They can spend many hours on their screen. So,
ir
Correct your spelling
it
 will make them
being
Verb problem
apply
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addicted to phones.
Consequently
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,
It
Fix capitalization
it
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 will make them forget their responsibility as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
students
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. For
examples
Fix the agreement mistake
example
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,
students
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 skip some
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
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 to play mobile games with friends.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they will miss the material in the class. By missing the material in the class,
students
Use synonyms
 can not get
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 better score and understanding
about
Change preposition
of
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 the material
Secondly
Linking Words
,
students
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 can easily
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 deceived by strangers. The access that youngsters get when they have
Use synonyms
phone
Correct article usage
a phone
show examples
 can be harmful for them. They can easily trust other people as
students
Use synonyms
 are not mature enough to
detech
Correct your spelling
detect
 lies.
For instance
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, scammers promise that the youngsters will get some money if they want to do
the
Correct pronoun usage
what the
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 scammer
ask
Correct subject-verb agreement
asks
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.
As a result
Linking Words
, pupils can do bad
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
 to get the reward.
In addition
Linking Words
, it is becoming
easily
Replace the word
easy
show examples
 to find kids with
Use synonyms
Check wording
cell phone
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phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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cellular
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
. They can stay with their
phone
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 and ignore their responsibilities.
In addition
Linking Words
, they are not ready to handle
some
Correct determiner usage
any
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 fraud that may come
while
Linking Words
 using the
phone
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, having considered the negative sides, I am convinced that
keep
Wrong verb form
keeping
show examples
 the
students
Use synonyms
staying
Verb problem
apply
show examples
away from
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 is a wise choice.

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planning
Plan your write. Start with a short intro that says your view. Then give two ideas with a clear example. End with a small final line.
grammar
Use short and clear sentences. Fix any grammar mistakes that make ideas hard to get. Check like 'it will' and 'they will' and 'are' and 'is'.
cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like and, but, also, so. Put ideas in a list that fits one idea per line in your mind.
content
Use real life or true and simple examples to back your idea. It makes your point strong.
strength
Clear view of the issue and a stand against phones for kids.
content
Some good reasons are given, like addiction and danger from others.
structure
Good use of order words such as First, Second.
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