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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some young people decide to start their own business rather than work for a company. What are the benefits and drawbacks of this tendency?

Some young
people
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 decide to start their own
business
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 rather than
work
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 for a company. Everyone wants to
work
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 with a flexible schedule, so they choose to become
business
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 owners. Doing your own
business
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 has certain drawbacks,
whereas
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 it
also
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 leads to many benefits. On one hand, there are many positive sides to having your own
business
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. Working independently is one of them. You don’t have to
work
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 under pressure or follow strict deadlines. Everything is up to you.
Furthermore
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, in
this
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 case, the stress level decreases, and it helps
people
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 feel better. Their mood directly influences their performance, and they become more productive.
On the other hand
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, starting your own
business
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Linking Words
also has
Correct word order
has also
show examples
 brought disadvantages. One of them is the shortage of
work
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 experience. When
people
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 start their own
business
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, they cannot obtain experience from other workplaces.
For example
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, they might not know how to plan a long-term
work
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 schedule or create an effective
business
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 plan, which can lead to failure. Another drawback is that they must be in charge of everything related to their
work
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, which causes them to
work
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 long hours and feel overloaded. In many situations, they can even break down because of stress. In conclusion, doing your own
business
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 makes
people
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 more independent and less stressed.
However
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, it can
also
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 make them feel overworked and exhausted.

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strength
Your essay has a good plan and shows both sides. Add more depth and clearer points.
development
Increase details for each idea. Give examples or numbers to back your view.
structure
Use short and clear sentences. Break long lines into shorter parts.
coherence
Link ideas with simple words like also, but, for example to guide the reader.
structure
Clear plan with intro, two body parts and a conclusion.
cohesion
Uses On one hand and On the other hand to show two sides.
content
Discusses both good points and bad points.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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