IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Context why impact speculation

Several
children
Use synonyms
 spend their daily lives playing with their
gadgets
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as phones or tablets. I personally think that
this
Linking Words
 could be a negative development because
this
Linking Words
 issue could impact their focus and give them eye
problems
Use synonyms
 at a young age. One of the major
problems
Use synonyms
 that
this
Linking Words
 Linking Words Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.
issue
Correct article usage
An issue
show examples
could
Correct pronoun usage
that could
show examples
create
Wrong verb form
be created
show examples
 for
children
Use synonyms
 is making them lose focus
while
Linking Words
 doing other activities,
such
Linking Words
 as learning,
due to
Linking Words
 daily exposure to
gadgets
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because of the constant changes
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 games or videos, which leads to
short-term
Correct article usage
a short-term
show examples
 attention span.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 problem could lead to a domino effect, which results in easily angry
children
Use synonyms
 who can cause a tantrum when their gadget is taken away from them, and make them lose their creativity because of the content they consume every day
while
Linking Words
 using their smartphones. Another crucial problem is that playing with
gadgets
Use synonyms
 without parental control may result in bad eyesight for
children
Use synonyms
. The reason for
this
Linking Words
 is that
children
Use synonyms
 who play on their smartphones without their parents’ supervision may look too closely at the screen with the brightness level being overly high, or they could play more than two hours per day, which is higher than the average maximum duration for a child to use their smartphones. A study in China said that 76% of
children
Use synonyms
 nowadays wear glasses
due to
Linking Words
 the intense use of
gadgets
Use synonyms
 in their everyday lives.
This
Linking Words
 may result in an uncomfortable daily life for
children
Use synonyms
 because they have eyesight
problems
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 still at a young age. In conclusion, I strongly believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should not be exposed to
gadgets
Use synonyms
 if not necessary. Because
this
Linking Words
 may lower their attention span, which may result in low focus in class and cause eyesight
problems
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

TR
Add clear reasons why children turn to screens, and give a brief view of both sides if you can. Do not only give the bad points; show a small balance or a full answer to the task.
CC
Work on flow of ideas. Use clear cuts between each idea and use linking words to show how ideas go from one to the next.
stance
The writer shows a clear view that screen use can be a bad thing.
cohesion
There are links between ideas in some parts, and a simple structure is seen (intro, body, conclusion).
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: