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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The diagram shows how honey is produced in small-scale commercial production. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram shows how honey is produced in small-scale commercial production. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The diagram illustrates how
honey
Use synonyms
 is produced in a small-scale commercial production. The
Use synonyms
honey making
Use the right word
honey-making
show examples
 process consists of eight parts. The process is divided
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 two main phases:
bee
Correct article usage
the bee
show examples
phase
Use synonyms
 and
human
Correct article usage
the human
show examples
phase
Use synonyms
. It all begins with bees collecting nectar from blooming flowers
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the field.
After
Linking Words
Linking Words
this
Add a comma
this,
show examples
 the
fresh
Replace the word
freshly
show examples
 made
honey
Use synonyms
 is deposited in hives. The substance is not stable and has more of a liquid form
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 bees use their wings as a fan to dry the
honey
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 period is essential to keep the cells clean, because it may affect the quality of
product
Correct article usage
the product
show examples
 later.
Bee
Correct article usage
The bee
show examples
phase
Use synonyms
 ends with sealing the cells with wax.
Then
Linking Words
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
 the human
phase
Use synonyms
workers
Punctuation problem
, workers
show examples
 collect
honey
Use synonyms
 combs from the hive. To get the liquid product
we
Punctuation problem
, we
show examples
 all love
honey
Use synonyms
 combs have to be pressed in special machines to extract it.
After
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
honey
Use synonyms
 is poured into a machine that contains three tanks
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
first
Correct article usage
The first
show examples
 is the sump tank
where
Punctuation problem
, where
show examples
Use synonyms
honey
Correct article usage
the honey
show examples
 is heated to a temperature of 45-50 degrees Celsius.
Occasionally
Punctuation problem
Occasionally,
show examples
 the heated substance may have some dirt that has to be sieved
it
Use the right word
in
show examples
 the next tank. In the
last
Linking Words
 tank liquid is settled for 2 to 4 days for it to cool. In the
last
Linking Words
stage
Punctuation problem
stage,
show examples
honey
Use synonyms
 is poured into many jars, added
logotype
Correct article usage
the logotype
show examples
 of the brand
before appearing
Wrong verb form
appears
show examples
 on the counter in our local convenience stores.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "after this, last".
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 86%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words honey, phase with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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