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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart compares the amount of money (in millions of euros) that people in four different age groups from Paris, France, spent on going to the cinema, restaurants and music concerts in 2019.

The bar chart compares the amount of money (in millions of euros) that people in four different age groups from Paris, France, spent on going to the cinema, restaurants and music concerts in 2019.
The bar chart illustrates how much money people from four different age groups in France and Paris spent on three types of
entertainments
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entertainment
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-
cinema
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,
restaurant
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, and
music
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concerts
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 in 2019
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
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eating out was the most popular activity among all
aged
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age
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 groups,
while
Linking Words
 going to
music
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concerts
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 was the
less
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least
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 offered. People aged 40-55 spent the largest amount,
whereas
Linking Words
 the youngest and the oldest
group
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 spent
relativey
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relatively
 less. In 2019, the 40 to 55 age
group
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was
Verb problem
apply
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spent on restaurants was highest, at 24
million
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euros
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,
while
Linking Words
 the figure for
concerts
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 was much lower, at 7
million
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,
folowed
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followed
 by 10
million
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euro
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euros
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of
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on
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cinema
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.
By contrast
Linking Words
,
individuas
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individuals
 aged 18 to 25 allocated around 14
million
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euros
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 to
music
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concert
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concerts
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, which was higher than their spending on
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restaurant
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restaurants
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about
Punctuation problem
, about
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 13
million
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euros
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 and more than
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cinema
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on cinema
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around
Punctuation problem
, around
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music
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concerts
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 At the same time, approximately 17
millions
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million
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 was
expenditured
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expended
 on
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restaurant
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restaurants
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 by
16
Correct article usage
the 16
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-39 age
group
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 , followed by
concerts
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 at 14
million
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euros
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 and
cinema
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 at 12
million
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euros
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.
Morever
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Moreover
,
oldest
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the oldest
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group
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 spent considerably less,though
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restaurant
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the restaurant
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 still accounted for the largest at 16
million
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euros
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, compared to
cinema
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 and
music
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concerts
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, 7% and 6%
accordinglly
Correct your spelling
accordingly
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 65%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words cinema, restaurant, music, concerts, group, million, euros with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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