IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Mobile phones and the Internet could have many benefits for old people. However, this age group uses technology the least. What are the benefits for old people of using mobile phones and the Internet? How can we encourage them to use this new technology

It has been claimed that technologies,
such
Linking Words
 as smartphones, laptops, and desktops, and the
Internet
Punctuation problem
Internet,
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 may be highly beneficial for elderly
people
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.
However
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, old generations are reluctant to
use
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 these devices, as they are not fully aware of the advantages that
technology
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 offers and have limited knowledge about how to
use
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 them. Nowadays, it is increasingly common for
old
Use the right word
older
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 individuals to live alone, which can be too overwhelming and stressful for them. In
this
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 case, electronic devices help them to stay in touch with their loved ones, including family members, relatives, and even close friends, even though they are far from one another.
As a result
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, their stress levels will reduce, developing a sense of belonging to the community.
Furthermore
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, electronics and the Internet can serve as a source of entertainment, allowing older
people
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 to be engaged in numerous activities,
such
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 as watching videos, reading news, and even playing games, which can positively affect their mental activity and mood . There are a number of measures that could be taken in order to encourage old
people
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 to
use
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 innovative
technology
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. First and foremost, governments should provide free learning and guidance on how to
use
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 cutting-edge telephones, because some apps are often too complicated for elderly individuals to understand. Meanwhile, their younger relatives
also
Linking Words
 ought to assist them as they have more knowledge about recent innovations, making old
people
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 more confident in using modern technologies.
Moreover
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, raising awareness of older generations about the merits of the Internet might make them more accustomed to using their electronics. By advertising on television or in newspapers, authorities can make the
technology
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 more widespread compared to the past. In conclusion,
although
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 electronic devices are useful for
people
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, especially older
individulas
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individuals
, offering entertainment and giving an opportunity to stay in touch with their family regardless of their location, a large number of old
people
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 are not passionate about using
technology
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. It is mainly attributed to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of awareness of the advantages, yet there are some ways to encourage them, including training and broader promotion of
technology
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.

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structure
Try to show a clear plan in the opening and end with a strong statement.
coherence
Link ideas well from one paragraph to the next so the line of thought is easy to follow.
grammar
Fix wrong spellings and small grammar errors to make it easy to read.
content
Give one clear example for each benefit or idea to prove it well.
content
The essay talks about good points: help to stay in touch, less stress, and fun.
structure
There is a range of ideas and many linking words are used.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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