IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

A rise in childhood obesity is a real threat to health with an increasing number of children now classified as overweight. What are the causes of the problem and what measures can be taken to solve them? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Nowadays,
kids
Use synonyms
 tend to eat sugary and fast
food
Use synonyms
 and which may lead to an increased number of
childhood
Use synonyms
obesity
Use synonyms
 cases, and
this
Linking Words
 is significant than in the past couple of years.
This
Linking Words
 can stem from the habit of consuming sugary
food
Use synonyms
 and drinks among children , and to address the issue, the
parents
Use synonyms
 should educate their
kids
Use synonyms
 on consuming healthy
food
Use synonyms
. Arguments and examples are provided in
this
Linking Words
 essay in order to illustrate the concerns about
childhood
Use synonyms
Firstly
Linking Words
, elderly people were the main sufferers of
obesity
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 the reduction of digestive ability they experienced;
however
Linking Words
, at the moment, children with
such
Linking Words
 diseases are found easily all around the world. To illustrate,
kids
Use synonyms
 tend to eat something
that is
Linking Words
 sweet and contains a lot of sugar , which they consider delicious
food
Use synonyms
 and would avoid healthy
food
Use synonyms
 like fruits and vegetables. It has become worse when their
parents
Use synonyms
 do not pay enough attention to the
food
Use synonyms
 their
kids
Use synonyms
 consume
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
therefore
Linking Words
, the number of
childhood
Use synonyms
obesity
Use synonyms
 is increasing constantly. There are many ways to overcome
this
Linking Words
 problem. Starting from their closest people to them,
parents
Use synonyms
.
Parents
Use synonyms
 play a major role in educating their
kids
Use synonyms
 about the
food
Use synonyms
 they consume. Telling their
kids
Use synonyms
 about the importance of eating healthy
food
Use synonyms
 and hygiene could be the initial step in avoiding
childhood
Use synonyms
obesity
Use synonyms
. When children acknowledge that, they will be more picky about what they consume. In short, negative habits of sugar consumption can lead to child
obesity
Use synonyms
 and educating them about a healthy diet should be the concern of
parents
Use synonyms
.
Childhood
Use synonyms
obesity
Use synonyms
 is unlike any other health issue.
Instead
Linking Words
, it is very important to know that
obesity
Use synonyms
 is not a child's disease , and it is completely abnormal in
kids
Use synonyms
 because of their fast metabolism.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Plan first. Make a small plan: cause, effect, and fix. Put a clear intro and a short end. Use one idea in each paragraph.
coherence
Use linking words to move from one idea to the next and keep sentences simple and clear.
content
The writer shows some real ideas about how sugar and fast food can raise obesity.
structure
There is an effort to give steps parents can take to help.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Childhood obesity
  • Overweight
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Nutritional education
  • Physical activity
  • Screen time
  • Fast food consumption
  • Sugar-rich beverages
  • Dietary choices
  • Urbanization
  • Genetic factors
  • Predispose
  • Environmental factors
  • Health threat
  • Lifestyle choices
What to do next:
Look at other essays: