IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that schools should focus more on teaching students how to use technology, while others think that traditional subjects such as math and history are more important. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people argue that using
technology
Use synonyms
 should be teaching more deeply to learners in
schools
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 others believe that traditional
subjects
Use synonyms
 directed into math and
history
Use synonyms
 are more valuable. I agree with both views,as
technology
Use synonyms
 helps
students
Use synonyms
 for their opportunities in the future
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 meanwhile,
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as math and
history
Use synonyms
 can enhance logical , critical thinking ,and cultural understanding. On the one hand ,I agree with the notion that learning
technology
Use synonyms
 is crucial in modern education .
This
Linking Words
 is because,
nowadays
Punctuation problem
nowadays,
show examples
 the plethora of jobs
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
 computer literacy and digital skills .
For instance
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 who have basic knowledge of programming or data analysis have more opportunities in today’s job market .
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 studying and understanding
technology
Use synonyms
 is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
key
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 finding
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 job.
Thus
Linking Words
,
schools
Use synonyms
 should encourage
students
Use synonyms
 and teachers to pay more attention to
technology
Use synonyms
 skills.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 ,I
also
Linking Words
 believe that ,even though
technology
Use synonyms
 plays a vital role in modern education ,traditional
subjects
Use synonyms
 should
also
Linking Words
 exist in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
schools
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 happens because mathematics aids learners
boost
Wrong verb form
in boosting
show examples
 logical thinking and cognitive skills.Meanwhile ,studying
history
Use synonyms
 helps learners appreciate cultural heritage and
avoiding
Wrong verb form
avoid
show examples
 past mistakes. As an example,a learner who regularly studies customary areas of study
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as math and
history
Use synonyms
, has no problems with cognitive and strategic thoughts.
Therefore
Linking Words
, especially these
subjects
Use synonyms
 which develop professional growth must not be cut down in the educational fields. In conclusion,I completely agree with both opinions.
While
Linking Words
technology
Use synonyms
 prepares
students
Use synonyms
 for the demands of the modern world,traditional
subjects
Use synonyms
 build strong intellectual and cultural understandings.For these reasons,
schools
Use synonyms
 should provide a balanced curriculum that involves both areas.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
State a clear personal position in the intro and keep it in the essay.
structure
Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph to show your main idea.
content
Add more specific, relevant examples and explain how they support your point.
language use
Check grammar and use shorter sentences. Some phrases are hard to read.
coherence
Use linking words to show how ideas connect, and avoid long run-on sentences.
structure
End with a strong conclusion that restates your view.
content
Your essay shows an effort to balance both sides.
structure
There are clear contrast markers ('On the one hand', 'On the other hand').
content
There is an attempt to use examples related to technology and math/history.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: