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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The chart below shows the percentage of people who ate five portions of fruit and vegetable per day in the uk from 2001 to 2008

The chart below shows the percentage of people who ate five portions of fruit and vegetable per day in the uk from 2001 to 2008
The diagram shows five portions of fruit and
vegetable
Fix the agreement mistake
vegetables
show examples
 eaten by
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
men
Use synonyms
,
Use synonyms
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
, and
children
Use synonyms
 per day in the
uk
Use the right word
UK
show examples
, between 2001 and 2008. On the one hand, in the first year, the biggest
precentage
Correct your spelling
percentage
 was by
Use synonyms
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 at 21%, followed
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
by
men
Use synonyms
18
Change preposition
at 18
show examples
%, and
children
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
at
show examples
 12%. And in 2002,
Use synonyms
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 still
dominate
Wrong verb form
dominated
show examples
 by 24% on the other side
Use synonyms
men
Punctuation problem
, men
show examples
 held 17%, close to it
Use synonyms
children
Punctuation problem
, children
show examples
 by 12%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in
2003
Punctuation problem
2003,
show examples
Use synonyms
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 had a slight
increase
Use synonyms
 to 27%;
men
Use synonyms
 stayed the same,
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 as
children
Use synonyms
.
2004
Change preposition
In 2004
show examples
,
Use synonyms
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 again saw an
increase
Use synonyms
 to 30% same as
men
Use synonyms
 with 22% and
children
Use synonyms
 to close to 18%.
Linking Words
Overall
Punctuation problem
Overall,
show examples
Use synonyms
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 held the lead
then
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
 and at least
children
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, in
2005
Punctuation problem
2005,
show examples
woman
Use synonyms
 still holds the 1st place by 32% close to
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 by 22%,
Use synonyms
children
Correct word choice
and children
show examples
 with a slight
increase
Use synonyms
 to 19%. In
2006
Punctuation problem
2006,
show examples
Use synonyms
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 saw an
increase
Use synonyms
 by 35%
as well as
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
 by 28%,
children
Use synonyms
Linking Words
on
Punctuation problem
, on
show examples
 the other hand, saw a significant
increase
Use synonyms
up
Change preposition
of up
show examples
 to 33%.
Change preposition
In 2007
show examples
2007
Punctuation problem
2007,
show examples
 was different
Use synonyms
Change preposition
of woman
show examples
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 decreased to 31% close to
it
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
Use synonyms
men
Change preposition
of men
show examples
 by 27% and
children
Use synonyms
 by 26%.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least,
Change preposition
in 2008
show examples
2008
Punctuation problem
2008,
show examples
Use synonyms
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 had a slight decrease to 30%,
also
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 saw a slight decrease to 26% and
children
Use synonyms
 same
as
Change preposition
like
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
woman
Punctuation problem
woman,
show examples
 saw a slight decrease close to 24%.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the healthiest between
men
Use synonyms
 and
children
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "on the other hand".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, woman, children, increase with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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