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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar chart show attendance of people in different ages in music event 2006. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main points and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart show attendance of people in different ages in music event 2006. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main points and make comparisons where relevant.
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of attendance for 3 different
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 in Australia in 2006.
Overall
Linking Words
, youngsters and early-adults were the most consumers of popular
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 in Australia,
while
Linking Words
 middle-aged and older individuals loved
opera
Use synonyms
 and classical
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, more than 38 per
cent
Use synonyms
youth
Check wording
of young
show examples
 people attended popular
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 in 2006, and more than 27 per
cent
Use synonyms
 early-adults and 33 per
cent
Use synonyms
 adults
also
Linking Words
 loved popular
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, less than 15 per
cent
Use synonyms
 enjoyed classical and
opera
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile, 25 per
cent
Use synonyms
 of individuals aged 35 - 44 enjoyed
Opera
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, based on the report, older people were
more happy
Correct word choice
happier
show examples
 to attend
Opera
Use synonyms
 and classical
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 by 15 and 8 - 10 per
cent
Use synonyms
 respectively,
thus
Linking Words
Opera
Use synonyms
 and classical
became
Check wording
music became
show examples
 famous
events
Use synonyms
 amongst
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, 13 per
cent
Use synonyms
 of people aged 45 - 54 and aged 55 + loved popular
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in contrast".
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words music, events, opera, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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