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Band 5

These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children’s behavior. Do you agree or disagree.

Children have presented parents with a number of challenges and decisions. None of which is too rudimentary to ignore.
However
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, guiding them towards the correct path is the crux of the matter in
this
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 modern world.
While
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 some argue
the
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that the
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 number of programs that broadcast violent content has increased significantly, which can pose a threat to children’s mental health. I completely agree with
this
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 view, as they are constantly bombarded with
such
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 programs, which involve them in violent tendencies.
Firstly
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, television goes a long way in treating people, especially school-goers. To clarify, people got used to spending long hours in front of a TV.
Therefore
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, they are getting inundated with a wide variety of information. If these kinds of programs are full of aggressive
behaviors
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behaviours
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, no wonder they encourage them to mimic
such
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 wrong features.
For example
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, some kids who play video games for long hours may suffer from some mental disorders,
such
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 as aggression, tension, and antisocial
behaviors
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behaviours
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, since many games force them to help their characters kick, stab, and shout, which not only endangers their mental health, but
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 society as a whole.
Secondly
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, it has a lot of negative effects on their social skills.
For instance
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, students are too young to distinguish between real and imaginary worlds.
As a result
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, they think violence is
a
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the
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 norm, not an unacceptable feature. In
this
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 way, they are more likely to repeat it in society, causing them to lose their friends and stop them from
socializing
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socialising
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 with others, since individuals are not willing to continue their relationships with angry people. In conclusion, no one dares to deny the importance of media in community education. I believe
this
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 is the most important responsibility of high-ranking officials to pass strict laws to supervise
this
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 section of the community much better.

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coherence
Your essay argues well and shows a clear view. To raise the score, make your main idea more clear in the first sentence and keep it in the rest of the text.
structure
Plan your writing. Use one idea per paragraph. Start with a small topic sentence, then explain and give a short example.
grammar
Use simple and exact words. Some phrases are odd, like 'goes a long way in treating people.' Try safer words such as 'TV can change how children act.'
content
Give more clear examples that link to your point. For instance, say how TV violence can come to class or home life and make a simple fact or rule.
grammar
Check words and form. Fix mistakes with grammar and prepositions. Use the present simple for general truths.
strength
Clear stance that violent TV harms children.
strength
Uses order words like first and next to show ideas.
strength
Gives real example (video games) to back a point.
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