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Band 5

In many countries, children show less respect to elders. What are the causes of such behavior? What can be done to address this situation?

In recent years,
kids
Use synonyms
 have become increasingly becoming less
respectful
Replace the word
disrespectful
show examples
 to older
people
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 in many countries. The reason behind
this
Linking Words
 is that
parents
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 can't control their
children
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 unless they give them what they demand, which makes the
children
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 think they are in control
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and can do whatever they want. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I'll explain the causes and how to fix them.
Firstly
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, sometimes old
people
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 get too lazy to teach the right thing at the perfect moment.
For instance
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, a child entered a supermarket and started making a scene over a small thing
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 most
people
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 would turn a blind eye, but one can correct it by teaching the kid how to differentiate between right and wrong. If he/she understands
to
Rephrase
how to
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 motivate them, you can reward them with a snack.
As a result
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, if all
people
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 did
this
Linking Words
 simple
act
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,
children
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 would become more and more respectable over time.
Secondly
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, when there is a family or a personal problem , adults mostly speak and sometimes
act
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 aggressively.
Thus
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,
children
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 get the wrong impression
and
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, and
show examples
 since their brains are still developing, they
act
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 aggressively in many situations.
In addition
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,
kids
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 think older
people
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 are boring and don't deserve any attention.
Additionally
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, elders may force
kids
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 to sit with them
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or to hug them forcefully, which may result in the child acting in
such
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 a way.
Finally
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,
parents
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 must discipline their
kids
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 for any kind of behaviour they exhibit.
To sum up
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, it mostly depends on
parents
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 to teach their
children
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 discipline, or to
act
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 in a nice way.
Moreover
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,
parents
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 can reward
children
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 by
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 gifting them a game or giving them candy for doing the right thing.

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task response
Task response: The essay tries to give cause and fix, but it needs clearer and stronger points. Add one to three clear steps for each part to show depth.
coherence
Coherence and cohesion: The order of ideas is not simple. Use a plan: first cause, then effect, then fix. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and use linking words.
language
Language: There are mistakes in grammar and form. Use short, simple sentences. Check pronouns and verb forms.
examples
Examples: Use small, clear examples and show how each helps the point. Keep ideas tight and tied to the task.
structure
There is an intro and a closing line.
content
Some real life examples are used.
content
The idea that parents play a role is added.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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